Unexpected Sanity
by Illiandyandra
Summary: Sometimes sanity comes from the last place you expect it. BABE Story. Not a Morelli Fan! Salty Language for now. Rating has officially gone up.
1. Chapter 1

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

Stephanie Plum

Pairings: Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

Rating: Eventually NC-17

Spoilers: Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

Disclaimer: Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

^^Thoughts^^

^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^

"Speech"

^^I can't believe this happened. I mean I thought Grandma Bella hated me. So why did she call me and tell me to meet her. This isn't good. This restaurant is on the wrong side of Trenton, no one will look for me here if she puts the eye on me and makes me choke on my food. Oh crap, she's here. I better stand when she gets to the booth, that's respectful, right?^^

Apparently, when Bella Morelli decides to have a one on one discussion with you, she's actually alright. I mean she didn't start in with the curses or visions, or anything, as soon as the waiter finished taking our orders, she got straight to her point. "I don't like you. I don't want you with my Grandson Joseph. Look I really don't like you, but I do respect you, I respect you enough to tell you. You and my grandson are no good for each other. You poison one another. Joey is looking for someone like Angela, or like your mother Helen. You, you are not them- you are Edna. My Joey, he's stubborn. You are stubborn. He likes you so he tries to force you to change, to be what he wants. Love, love isn't changing everything about a person. Love is accepting and supporting who the person actually is."

"The two of you have been toxic for each other since you were 16. But one day Helen and Joesph will convince you to marry him. Then you'll make each other miserable. Joey will turn into his father and his grandfather. But you aren't Angela, you aren't me. When Joey cheats, or he hits you…you will kill him. Or your friend the Cubano-he'll destroy him and I won't even have a body to bury. Please. I'm asking you-stop seeing my grandson. Let him go find some girl who will be all the things he wants her to be."

She stopped talking for a minute and I thought she was finished. But no, she'd just seen the waiter approaching. I guess she didn't want any witness to what she had to say to me. Cause the second he left she jumped back in with both feet.

"I don't even know why you are still with Joseph. He's not exactly the most…" She struggled to find the words. "Well, look if you were my granddaughter and someone was treating you like my Joey treats you…I'd kill him in his sleep. There is no dating; the only place he ever takes you is Pino's. I've heard the way he asks you to come over…the boys miss you…pah. And then the only other places you are seen together are your crime scenes. He's always berating you and dismissing your opinion…you were the one who cleared His, OUR GOOD NAME. But no he treats you like a dingbat. And Mine GOD…after I heard about his behavior when the police wanted you arrested for the murder of your ex-husband. And he KNEW the man was still alive. I don't even like you and I had to yell at him for that."

"Umm Thanks." I said as politely as I could.

"No thanks are necessary. My Joey is a good man. But a man still. Sometimes they all lack common decency. You need to ask yourself a few questions. If my Joey is so determined to turn you into a 'burg wife, why does he not court you like a 'burg wife should be courted. Do you think this is how the Stankovic boy courted your friend, the Molnar girl? Do you think this is how your father courted Helen…mine God, even your Grandfather courted Edna better than Joey courts you. Have there been dinner dates to Rossini's? Nights of dancing? Does he bring you flowers? No. Now I love my grandson…but he's been a _cazzo_ to you since you were six years old."

^^I guess my shock showed on my face. I had no idea Grandma Bella knew those kinds of words…let alone knew about choo-choo.^^

"Yes, I knew…I expected your mother to come over and raise a fuss, get Joey in trouble. I was shocked that she punished you instead…I know you shouldn't have done it but you were 6 for Christ's sake. Then there was that debacle where he wrote about you all over Trenton. He told his dad he was laying his claim, so you'd still be his when he got back. Instead you broke his leg and refused to have anything to do with him. I can tell you, it was lucky for him that he shipped out the next day. Frank showed up the day after Joey left with a 45. Your grandfather Mazur was with him, he had that cannon Edna keeps in her purse now."

I know she saw the shock on my face after that. But instead she just shook her head. "You have helped Joey clear his name, and with his cases, yet all he does is berate you and act like a _piazzaiolo_." By this point the waiter was back with our food. Bella Morelli and I actually had a pleasant lunch, somehow she got me to tell her how I really felt about the way Joe 'seduces' me.

I'll admit it, there are times when I think Joe confuses how he treats me with what he claims are Ranger's motives. So I said this to HIS grandmother. "Joe is always saying the Ranger is only after one thing, and when he gets bored, it will be on to the next one…but Joe only calls me when he's _arrapato_. At crime scenes all he does is yell at me, doesn't even ask if I'm ok. It's so embarrassing and I have to work with those cops all the time. Probably it's completely dysfunctional."

When Lunch was finished, I picked up the check. I was pretty flush right now, thanks to the late summer/early fall FTA boom…besides old ladies are always nearing broke, right? As I walked her to her car…that's respectful right? She gave me a deep, deep look "I've said my piece. I want my Joey with a nice 'burg girl who will give me great grand children. You aren't that girl. Let him go…and you, you can fly."

^^As soon as she pulled off, I went home. The files can wait 'til tomorrow. I need my thinking position now.^^

Italian Translations

**_ cazzo=Vulgar term for Penis_

_** __piazzaiolo=Pejorative term for a coarse vulgar fellow_

_** arrapato=Horny or ready for sex_


	2. Chapter 2

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms.

Chapter Two

^^So maybe I spent the next couple of hours going over that hour and a half conversation. When I came out of my thought stupor; I realized that Mary Lou's boys were still at school, and now would be the perfect time to get some help in this whole thinking thing. I mean I KNOW Grandma Bella was right, but I'm not sure if what I have with Ranger can even become what I want it to be, what I need it to be.^^

I was running circles in my own mind. Which, of course, made me imagine my brain as Rex running on his wheel. I giggled at that for a minute, then I shook that thought off and grabbed my phone. The boys were still at school. Maybe Mary Lou could help me.

As soon as she and I exchanged hellos, I launched right in. "Lou, I really need you on this. I mean, I keep feeling like there is something vitally-like mega- important that I'm missing." Then I laid it ALL on the table. Everything from the diner to the deal, from the alley to Ella. When I was finished, Mary Lou sighed so hard I swear that I could feel her wind through the phone.

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, I can tell you what you're missing…your mind. Answer me one question. What do YOU want for YOUR life? Do you even want marriage and kids?"

"God no!" I said with no hesitation. It wasn't a knee jerk reaction…I really, really didn't want those things out of life.

"Exactly. You NEVER wanted kids. Not in ALL the years we've been friends. In fact, remember when you were getting ready to marry Little Dickie, didn't you ask me why kids couldn't come already walking and talking and potty trained?" she asked me.

It took me a few seconds to remember. "Yeah and you said that I needed to find somebody who already had kids so I could just be the cool stepmom." I said laughing.

"So if you don't want marriage or babies; why does it matter that Ranger doesn't either?" Mary Lou said pointedly. "In fact isn't it a good thing that Ranger doesn't want them; because wouldn't it be horribly wrong for a couple to marry when one wants children and the other doesn't? Isn't that exactly why you and Joe didn't work?"

"You're right. I think I've been letting my Mom and Joe mind fuck me." I groaned.

"Yeah you have…not just them; you've been mind fucking yourself too." She added. "No price is a GREAT thing. It means that there is no measure for what you mean to each other. No price for what you do for each other. Love SHOULD be accepting, it should be unconditional! There shouldn't be a running tally of who did what for who. Little Dickie worried about quid pro quo, Joe wanted toy to be completely different…look at how those relationships ended up."

"Huh?" I'm so very eloquent. I heard some paper rustle…did she make a check list…I bet she made a checklist.

"How do you love, Steph?" She asked exasperatedly. ^^This is something I told her about a while back… I was all kinds of confused, but I'd seen a skip and had to go before she could say anything. Apparently she hadn't forgotten it like I had.^^ "Do you love your mom the same way Val loves her? Do you love your mom the same way I love mine? NO! Everybody loves in their own way. Ranger's way seems to be unconditional, accepting, supportive, and passionate…what more could you want?"

^Yeah, I'm feeling pretty darn stupid.^ "Ok. But why did he send me back?" ^^I wanted that to be full of righteous indignation…but really it was just whiny.

"WHY did you GO?" She yelled. ^^You know I am getting the feeling that this one has been bothering her for a while. "Maybe he wanted to know that you felt he was worth fighting for. Maybe he wanted you to choose him. He'd fought everything life has thrown at you these last few years. Maybe for once he wanted you to fight for him."

"Hey I fight for him. I always stick up to mom and Joe when they start in on him." ^Crap, I'm an idiot.^ "He has no clue about that though cause it's never when he's there. And it still seems like I chose Joe rather than fighting for him. Probably, I'm an idiot. If that really was a test…I flunked it. Badly!"

"I know…but you are emotionally retarded. It's not your fault. As much as I love your Mom and Dad, it's all their fault…it's just not normal to only express your feelings, hell communicate at all really, through food." She got quiet for a long moment. Just as I was getting ready to say her name, she said, "Ok. I'm gonna translate Ranger into Plum. He constantly tries to get you to eat healthy food like he does, and yet he gets Ella to cook whatever you want when you are over there. All your favorites. Even though he doesn't even allow that stuff into the building for any other reason."

"Oh my God- he really is in love with me." I whisper.

"My GOD she can be taught!" Mary Lou says in joyous sarcasm.

"But his lifestyle…doesn't lend itself to relationships." I quote back.

"Neither does yours. I mean it's true for both of you isn't it. Don't you think that we notice all the big black SUVs whenever you get a new stalker? They've taken the boys to school for us once when I was sick, and I KNOW Valerie had let Hal and Cal come in…Cal plays with Little Lisa like she's his own. I made them cookies and hot chocolate last winter. DON'T tell Ranger. But lifestyle or not you two are in a relationship. Just one without the sex. You'd both be a lot happier if you'd just admit that you really are TOGETHER, and add the social orgasms."

^^Probably Mary Lou was right.^^ "But it's not like I can just walk up to Ranger and say What…'you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals?' He's frickin Batman…he'd ship me to a third world country."

"No he wouldn't…it would be too far for him to go to watch you sleep." She joked. "But it wouldn't work…I can't see him as being that into novelty Alternative from the late nineties." She sighed again. "I don't know…just fix him a big healthy salad. Take it to him. Admit that right now you prefer that love come with a condom, not a ring too. As long as you are the only one getting the love. I mean, you don't want marriage, you just want mutual exclusivity…and I've got to tell you, I don't think you are getting it from Joe. I haven't heard anything concrete, but my mother in law keeps asking me what's up with him and Terry Gilman. Then again she keeps asking me what's up with you and the Cuban Sex God too…but still, just tell Ranger what you want."

"But what if he doesn't want mutual exclusivity with me?" ^^God, I hate how small my voice sounds right there.^^

"Look I can't tell you what to do." She started.

"Yeah, yeah you can. It says so in the friendship bylaws." I responded desperately.

"Well then-end it with Joe. He'd a douche. Great ass or not he definitely IS a great ass. Take a month to yourself. Figure you out. Get trained. You and I both know you kinda love your job, so get the training to be better at it. Get back into fighting trim…then you show up at his door in something luscious from Victoria's Secret and a trench coat with a great big healthy salad. If you can't figure out what to do from there…well then you need to have a long talk with Grandma Edna…and I must renounce you as my best friend."

^Grandma…Mom^ "Shit, Lou. I've gotta run. I'm supposed to be at my parents' house for dinner tonight. I'll call you tomorrow. Don't worry; I'm definitely breaking things off with Joe…after lunch with Grandma Bella, who wouldn't."

"Grandma Bella, Steph, what?" she asked as I disconnected.

^^I may have forgotten to tell her about lunch today. Oops. No time to worry about that. I have 22 minutes to get cross town.^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms.

Chapter Three

^^I had to haul booty to make it to the Burg in time, but I made it with two whole minutes to spare. I must have been really respectful to Grandma Bella this afternoon and God was rewarding me. Of course when I pull up to the house, Mom and Grandma are waiting on the stoop.^^ "Hi Mom, Grandma. How are you doing?"

"Good lord Stephanie, you are certainly cutting it close tonight." Helen groused a bit.

"I was talking with Mary Lou. Do you know how rare it is for her to be able to talk for more than a couple of minutes at a stretch?" I joked.

"Of course she can't talk long she has children and a husband to take care of." My mother said, obviously hinting that something was wrong with me for not having them. I rolled my eyes and made my way to the table, dropping a kiss on my dad's cheek as I passed him.

"How was your day, Pumpkin?" He asked me quietly.

"Took in three mid level skips this morning, didn't roll or even step in anything yucky…pretty good day." I answered with a cheeky smile. "How was your day Daddy?"

"Good, good. Got home and your mother was sober, so all around good day." He teased back.

"Don't know what you two are talking about. Today has been boring with a capital B." Grandma complained.

"Edna, you are one crazy old bat." Daddy said.

Mom came back in the room with the broccoli signaling that we could start dinner. No one ever eats the broccoli. But it's tradition.

"So Daddy, what kinds of things did you do for Mom when you guys were dating?" I asked, during a lull in the conversation; and before Mom could get started on me. I was hoping I said it nonchalantly, but I can never seem to pull that off.

Daddy gave me a look, clearly wanting to know why I was asking.

Mom just started in. "Oh your father was very-"

"Helen shut it. My Pumpkin asked me. I can answer for myself." Dad groused. He turned to me with laughter in his eyes, "Well, times were different. We didn't have these clubs like you kids. Our clubs tended more towards the disco or supper variety. So most of the time I'd take your mother to a supper club for some dinner and dancing, or we'd got to a movie matinee and have a picnic." Daddy said. It's funny we don't do emotions in this family, but I could hear in his voice that Daddy really loves my mom.

"Frank dear, remember the notes." Mom said with a sigh. Turning to me she explained further. "Your father seemed to have some kind of sixth sense, just when I'd had a horrible day, I'd come home and he had dropped off a little note. It was never much…but it always seemed to be exactly what I needed. Even when he was gone with the Army, I'd check the mail on those days when I missed him so much, nothing else mattered…and there would be a letter from him, like magic."

Grandma shook her head. She looked at daddy, and for the first time I could actually tell you that my grandmother had some positive feelings about my dad. She spoke to mom though, "you hooked a good one Helen. He and I might never get along; but he has always treated you better than any mother has ever wanted their daughter to be treated. That's why I just can't understand why you want to force my Baby Granddaughter to marry that Morelli boy. He's an ass. The boy may be a hottie, he may even have a decent package, but he treats Stephanie worse than the Dick even did."

Mom sputtered. She started blathering on about how I had to marry Joe because I played choo-choo, and he took my virginity. Supposedly since he told everybody and their brother about it, now no good 'burg boy will have me.

To which I rolled my eyes and moved directly past the drama. "Speaking of which, Daddy is it true that you and Grandpa Harry went to the Morelli's with guns looking for Joe? What were you going to do make him marry me for besmirching my honor?" ^^Besmirch is a funny word^^

Mom was aghast. "Frank you and Daddy didn't!" ^^Aghast is hilarious. I've got to stop borrowing Connie's bottom drawer books.^^

"Of course we did." He said sternly. ^^I know this is one of those areas Dad has always disagreed with mom on. It was the only time he ever overruled one of her punishments.^^ then he turned to me and continued. "I would have never made him marry you. we were just going to shoot off his wedding tackle; and his writing hand." Me and Grandma exchanged looks and then burst into peals of laughter. Daddy kept right on going, delivering his opinion on the entire Joe situation. "That boy wasn't good enough for you then and he sure as hell ain't good enough for you now."

^^Oh boy. Mount Saint Helen erupting in five…four…three…two…^^ "oh please what's wrong with him. Nothing. He has a good job, he owns his own home. He's from right here in the neighborhood. He wants her. Why? I have no clue. She refuses to learn to cook even the simplest meals, she can't iron and I still do her laundry. She hangs out with people of, well, questionable morals is the nicest way I can put it. Like that hooker or those thugs that she insists on calling her friends. Everyday she rolls in garbage and who knows what else doing that-that job of hers. She embarrasses poor Joe and she embarrasses this family."

I sank down in my seat, my stomach went from happy and full to rolling and nauseous really fast there. ^^it's always nice to know what people really think of you. Think I'll just go over into the corner and curl up and die, thank you very much.^^

Suddenly my dad kicks his chair back and just goes completely postal. "That's enough of that BULLSHIT! You will not talk about OUR daughter like that EVER again. She is not an embarrassment. She is strong and courageous. She is loyal and she is kind. She is smarter than you or that child rapist you are so desperate for her to marry. My Pumpkin is beautiful and so much better than your sainted 'burg that you cannot even begin to understand her. But she is not now nor has she ever been an embarrassment. Sure she might get messy doing her job, but she always gets her skip. As far as he friends go, everytime she gets hurt, they are all right there with us in the waiting room praying with us. If you were hurt, where would your so called friends be? So what if the black girl is a little loud and crazy, after everything she's been through, who the hell wouldn't be. By god woman, your daughter saved that child's life and got her off the streets. You should be damn proud. Those so called thugs…every last one of them served in the military they are either Marines, or Seals over half of the were Rangers…and they served with distinction. They served in the same branch as me, Helen, same branch as Harry. So what are we thugs too Helen?" He turned to Grandma and heaved a sigh. "What the hell is wrong with your daughter?"

Grandma was cackling I really think she was enjoying this way too much. "Harry dropped her on her head once…maybe that's the problem."

I have got to get out of here before my mom starts to cry. "Oh God. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start this I just…I'm sorry." I rambled as I got my stuff together. My dad managed to stop me before I made it out the door.

"Pumpkin this is not your fault. It's been a very long time coming. I should have stopped her from criticizing you like this a long time ago. I should have stopped her when she was pushing you to marry that first asshole. What kind of grown man calls himself Dickie? But since I got out the service I've tried very, very hard not to let my anger get out of hand. I notice that your friend Manoso has the same problem."

"What do you mean? Ranger never gets mad." I asked confused.

"No Pumpkin he never gets mad at you, but watch closely how he looks at that Morelli boy, or your mother when they start in on you. Now that Ranger…he might be just about good enough for my little girl." He replied with a chuckle.

"Daddy, Ranger says he isn't going to get married again." I warned.

"Shoot Pumpkin…you said the same thing. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me." He let me out the door with a kiss on that note. I couldn't think of a thing to say to that. He was right.

I headed to my current PoS car, a Toyota Corolla, and found Grandma leaning against it. "You know me and Frank, we've never gotten along…but he was right tonight. You ain't perfect…but you're a good girl Stephanie Plum. There ain't a thing I would change about you…well except maybe you could let me grab the Merry Men's tushies and packages more often. An old broad's gotta get her kicks somewhere." She gave me a wicked grin. "Now you listen to me. You act as much like me as Helen does her grandmother. Neither of us was cut out for this suburban hell your mom loves so much. I had no choice times being what they were. But you, baby granddaughter, if you want to fly…well you go right ahead. Now I've packed you a bunch of leftovers, gave you pretty much the whole cake, got me and your dad a few slices, of course."

I couldn't help myself. I brought that wrinkly old broad into the biggest hug I think I've ever given. "I love you Grandma." She blushed and shooed me on my way. I went 'cause my bed was calling me so hard I barely got the leftovers into the fridge and a quick shower, before I crawled into my bed. Man tomorrow would be here too soon, and it will finally be time to pull on my big girl panties and deal with Joe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and Thank you.

**Chapter 4**

^^Ok, I'll admit it. When I woke up the next morning, I folded my big girl panties back up and put them in the drawer. I mean don't get me wrong, I still have every intention of dealing with the 'Joe Situation', but first things must come first. And since I realized that today was the first of the month…that first thing is my rent. However it would seem that fate has decreed that I must be a big girl. She took those panties back out of the drawer and shoved them up my hips, metaphorically speaking. Her metaphor came in the form of a blown up car.

My first skip of the morning went smoothly. Sure Carol threw more cheesy poofs at me, but she'd always cranky when she misses her court date. I managed to get her to the station and head out after Stanley Karofsky. Mr. Karofsky was not a nice guy. I knew it…but he came in under the Rangeman range; Rangeman range that's funny. Anyway Mr. Karofsky was caught with his pants down in a public restroom with another gentleman. All and all a very low level felony, usually bumped down to a misdemeanor. Unfortunately, Mr. Karofsky is a VERY closeted individual, so he tried his level best to beat the knowledge of what he'd seen out of the arresting officer. ^^I'll never understand those guys who are so scared of just admitting they are gay. What's so wrong with being gay? God must want some people to be that way…or else they wouldn't be. NOBODY chooses to make their life MORE difficult. Some of the best people I know are gay.^^

Anyway I decided to be proactive; I even swung by my apartment and got my gun out of the cookie jar. My stun gun was fully charged, and I was wearing running shoes. I was ready as I could get when I rung his door bell. "Mr. Karofsky," I said very politely…it's always best to be polite to crazy closet cases. "I'm Stephanie Plum with the Vincent Plum Bail Bonds Agency." It's also best to make the name sound super important. "You've missed your court date, and need to go in and reschedule." So what if that's kind of a big old lie. It works…sometimes.

"Look chick. I'm not going anywhere those charges were bullshit." He said crossly.

^Yeah, cause cops always make up stories about honest citizens.^ I thought.

"Well they made up a story about this Honest Citizen." He shouted.

^^Oops, must have said that one out loud.^^ "Look sir, whether or not it is true, you still have to show up in the court. I'm sure that you can explain yourself to the judge." I said patiently.

"I told you I'm not going to no fucking court to talk about anything, let alone some crazy story some faggot cop made up." He yelled. Then the stupid ass shoved me off the porch and took off. Ha, I was ready for this. I got up and chased him, and I actually caught him. I grabbed him round the knees and took him down. I shimmied up his legs and sat on his chest. He wasn't that big a guy, so this rendered him immobile long enough to get him cuffed. Only problem was Mrs. Karofsky. If I didn't know Stanley was a closet case, one look at his wife would have clued me in. She reminded me of that girl wrestler from back in the day…Chyna…only less feminine. She also had a really Really BFG. ^^BFG obviously meaning Big Fucking Gun.^^ which she used to shoot at me. Thankfully she's a worse shot than even Lula. Of course you know what she did hit. She hit my Corolla. And then BAWOOSH! Apparently Mrs. Karofsky was a good enough shot to hit my gas tank exactly right to blow up my car. ^^Damnit. I hadn't even had it for a month yet. Oh she just pissed me off.^^

I left hubby cuffed around a street sign and with his legs ziptied. He wasn't going anywhere. Then I calmly walked over to the yelling woman, who was apparently calling me a bitch, and I stunned her for longer than technically necessary. I didn't have another pair of cuffs, so I had to settle for ziptying her as well. By the time I got her dragged over next to her oh so curious hubby, I could hear the sirens approaching. ^^Oh joy.^^

The fire trucks got there first, a few just waved at me. The EMTs were next. I stood up and turned in a circle so they could see that I was completely uninjured. Carl and Big Dog were next on the scene. "You ok Stephanie?" they asked, checking me over.

"Yup…not even dirty today guys." I said cheerily.

"Good." Carl said.

"What happened?" Big Dog asked efficiently. I gave them a quick rundown, and as I finished, Carl gave Big Dog a ten. "Thanks Steph. We knew it wasn't your fault. But this tubby bastard actually thought it was something mechanical."

^^You know this is why I don't really get mad at these two, they may bet on me…but they always make sure I'm ok first and they almost never blame me.^^ no sooner had I finished that thought than who should arrive in a PoS undercover car, none other than Joseph Anthony Morelli.

"Jesus Christ Cupcake, what the hell did you do this time!" he started ranting.

"I was doing my job, Joe." I said calmly, gesturing at the bound FTA and his wife.

"Yeah well, you suck at 'your job' you should be doing something you can handle…like I don't know maybe you could be a secretary or something." He said condescendingly.

^Oh yeah Joe, I'm gonna waste my Business Degree from Monmouth to work as somebody's secretary.^ ^^Ohh neck tingles, Ranger is here.^^ But before I could look for him, Joe said the stupidest thing ever.

"Still not sure how the hell you managed that one Cupcake." He said snidely.

^^Oh no he didn't.^^ "Oh no you did not just say that. Where did you go to college again Joe? Oh wait, you went in the Navy cause you got rejected from everywhere, including Trenton State. I had a fucking 3.8 GPA from one of the best colleges in the state. See. This, this is why I'm not doing this anymore. WE are so done…I need to come up with a new word for it. I'm not stupid so why the hell am I still with your ignorant ass." ^^Yes, Stephanie is gone and a rhino has replaced her. But the Rhino was making some good points, so I decided to let her go for a change.^^

"You are still with me 'cause we are meant to be. You are going to be Mrs. Joseph Morelli." He said arrogantly.

"Joe, I wouldn't marry you if you were the last male in the free world, of any species, I'd marry a baboon before you. You are such an ass even your GRANDMOTHER thinks I can do better than you. God what was I thinking. Why the hell did I start a relationship with a child molester who basically raped me in the Tasty Pastry and then wrote about it all over town!" I shouted. ^^Really shouldn't have said that with Ranger within hearing distance. That was a bad idea…probably.^^

"It wasn't rape, Cupcake, can't rape the willing." He said smugly.

"Oh, so I said yes at some. Funny I remember saying no several times. And even if I had been willing Joe what the hell gives you the right to write about me all over the city?" I asked. ^^Boy do I hope Ranger isn't hearing any of this…but I have a bad feeling that he is.^^

"I had to let guys know you were mine, I got there first." He said snidely.

"Oh please. I was never yours. And you may have gotten there first…what's the big f'ing deal about being first. Who's last is the most important thing, and that sure as hell isn't going to be you." I said back smugly.

"So I guess you think Manoso's gonna be last. Please; you aren't a good enough lay to keep him satisfied. He won't keep you around very long. Besides he isn't the marrying kind, Cupcake." The ass said like I cared about his opinion.

"You know what Joe. Neither am I; the thought of getting married again gives me hives. And you know what, I'm not really worried about your supposed opinion of my sexual prowess is, cause if I was so bad, why the hell are you always trying to get me to marry you?" I asked. ^^Wonder what is keeping Ranger.^^ I hazard a glance around, and see what's kept him. At some point Tank apparently had to sit on him to keep him from coming over. Which means he's heard all of this, ^^oh boy.^^

"Because, I've wanted you for my wife since I was eight years old. So you are mine." Was his response.

"Well fuck you Joe; we don't always get what we want. I want a lasting relationship with someone who respects me, and treats me like I have a brain in my head and not just a doodah between my legs. That sure as hell isn't you." I said turning to walk away. I've said my piece and I was done. I had a body receipt to collect and my rent to pay.

Suddenly I felt a hand grab my shoulder and pull me around so hard I actually stumbled. ^^That fucking hurt.^^

"I'm not done with you Cupcake. You are mine. You need to quit this fucking job and take your proper place-"

A new voice entered the conversation, cutting him off. A very dangerous voice. "Take your hand off her now, Morelli." ^^Oh no, why had Tank let Ranger go?^^ I looked around, apparently because he was just as pissed as Ranger. ^^Damn I could maybe calm one of them down…probably, but not both.^^ Both Men in black stood there looking pissed. ^I think Tank may be like the Incredible Hulk, cause I swear he is bigger than usual.^

I heard a snort of laughter. It looks like Big Dog heard that. Unfortunately my accidental comment had nothing to calm Tank and Ranger. So I guess I'll have to try straight forward. I grab Morelli's wrist and force his hand off me. "Ok guys. Really loving the protective vibe going here. But I can deal with Morelli all by myself. What I cannot do is keep you from going to jail if you kill him. I can calm one of you down but not both…so Calm Down!"

Ranger looked over at me, his battle to control his anger evident in his eyes. "Babe."

"Look, Little one, I don't like that mutherfucker putting his hand on you in anger. I'll feel much better if I can remove that hand from his body." Tank growled.

"Are you threatening a police office?" Morelli said like the idiotically arrogant ass that he obviously is. ^^How did I miss how stupid he is?^^

Carl stepped in here…shocked the hell out of all of us. "Funny I thought he was threatening a punk ass man who actually had the nerve to hurt a woman."

^^Whoa what happened to the brotherhood of blue?^^ Okay. Let me get this ended before Tank really does hurt Morelli. "Joe, go home. We are so very, very over. I make you embarrassed, and you make me miserable. Just go. You have no need to show up at any of my scenes anymore. All you do is yell and make large angry Italian hand gestures, you aren't helpful, and you don't even bother asking if I'm okay anymore. So go. I will get a restraining order if you make me." I said caustically.

"Fine, Cupcake," he snarled. "But don't come crawling back to me when Manoso gets tired of your frigid prudish ass."

"Joe, I'd sleep with each and every Merry Man, and the entire TPD before I came to you for anything. Grow the hell up." I returned flicking him the bird. ^^Thank God Lester isn't here to have heard me say that.^^

Turning to Ranger, I was kind of surprised to see that he had his 200 watt smile on. "Proud of you Babe."

I replayed the last few minutes through my head as I lead them over to the Karofskys. "Stanley is the FTA, his wife is the one who shot my car." I said trying to be professional. "Ok got to ask…what did I do?"

"You finally stopped taking his shit." Ranger said with a smirk.

^Whoa, I always yell back when he yells at me. I haven't been taking his shit.^ I thought…apparently aloud.

"Yeah…but this time you meant it." He said. And you know what. He was right.


	5. Chapter 5

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and Thank you.

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

Over the next few days I was bold, I was fearless…actually I was hiding. I was hiding from Ranger for the simple fact that I have no clue what to do next. I mean, yes, I seriously want to jump his bones in the worse way; but I also don't want to throw myself at him and he be repulsed. Let me tell you, I spent A LOT of time during the last few evenings in my thinking position. But the good news is that I brought in enough skips while I was carefully avoiding Ranger to get this really hot little trench coat that was on sale at Macy's. I saw a few of the Merry Men however. Apparently Big Dog had shared my slip about Tank and the Hulk, as well as informing them of what I said about being with all of them before I ever went back to Joe.

While I hid, I put together a plan. I needed to learn defense. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm never going to be able to go in a take out a mission with military precision. But I want to get good enough to not get out run or taken out by little old men. I hate it when the 85 and up crowd get the best of me. Which meant I also needed to get faster and stronger…I wonder if they could just do that Bionic Woman surgery on me. Or maybe I could be called as a slayer; then I could be really bad ass and eat all I want without gaining weight. That would kick ass. Though maybe life planning shouldn't be done in front of the TV. Yeah, I guess since there's no way for me to join the ranks of the chosen; I'd better figure out how to get faster, stronger and learn to kick ass. Ok now here's the hard part. I could call Ranger, but so not ready for that one yet. So—I guess I'll have to bypass the Merry Men all together.

But that's just stupid. I'm not going to hurt my friends' feelings by going to someone else for training they were more than capable of providing. They would assume that I don't trust them or doubt that they are the best. Everyone knows if you want to learn something you should always learn from the best. Besides they are like my brothers. I've even seen Hal at the VFW playing cards with my Dad on his days off. So once again it's on with the Big Girl Panties. I grabbed my cell phone and scrolled through the list of nicknames.

Who to call? Who to call? No way in hell I'm calling Lester. He keeps trying to convince me that there should be a Rangeman group sex night. Tank may be the best choice, but he's still a bit upset that I wouldn't let him at least break Morelli's hand. Bobby, Bobby it will be.

"You finally done avoiding us, Bomber?" he answered.

"Hey have you heard what Lester's been saying?" I returned cheekily.

"Yup, you'd think as much as Ranger's been taking him to the mats, he'd shut his trap." Bobby said laughingly.

"What? Why is Ranger taking Lester to the mats? Les is always saying things like that." I asked.

"Well all that group sex talk has you avoiding Ranger and the rest of us. Ranger really hates it when you avoid us." Bobby explained.

"No! It's not Les' fault. I just had to plan. I had to figure out the best way to, you know, get better. That's why I'm calling." So I laid out the plan for him. How I was to take 30 days to focus on getting better both professionally and well-mentally.

"That- That's actually a pretty good idea." Bobby said proudly. "You might want to let Ranger in on the plan though Bomber. Kinda messed up to leave him wondering."

"Okay so the plan is sound…now Bobby, my buddy, my pal, my brother from another mother ^Lucky Bastard^, can you help me turn this from a plan into an actual, I mean can you help me…"

"You want me to help you implement your plan? I'd be honored, my sister from another mister. Why don't you come over here in an hour and a half? I'll have it all worked out and we'll set you up with a training schedule. We get you trained in hand to hand; get you trained on not only your gun, but guns in general. I'd like to include some defensive driving training as well." Bobby explained.

"Really—it's—you think I need it?" I asked.

"Hey better to have and not need than to need and not have." Bobby chided. "Its O'11 hundred now, we'll set the meeting for 13:30. Just for you, Bomber, I'll see if Ella will whip us up some lunch. But you need to get here early and let the Boss know what's up."

^^The Merry Men all know me too well.^^ "Okay, I'll be there with bells on." I respond. ^^ Crap, I only have an hour to get dressed and over there…what to wear.^^

Ha. Made it. I'd managed to get my hair into some semblance of control, I was wearing a very comfy but adorable pair of boy cut panties in black with pink trim, and a matching bra. In deference to time constraints I'd simply thrown a very cute pink and black sundress on over the lingerie. A pair of wedge black sandals and I was good to go. I figure it is the last time I'm going to feel pretty for a while, why not go girl. I gave the control room a finger wave when in pulled into the garage. Big Blue almost had his own space, he visited so often. I hot footed it to Ranger's office, I'm early for the meeting, but not that early so I had to haul ass. Then was the rambling explanation for my absence the last few days. I was kind of breathless so it came out as, "StopbeatinupLesterIhaven'tbeenavoidinhiscrazygroupsex talkI'." ^^I really like that word, revitalization sounds much better than exercise program.^^

"Babe." Ranger said. ^^I took it to mean, slow down, breath and try that one again.^^

"Stop beating up Lester, I haven't been avoiding his crazy group sex talk…I've been planning my revitalization." I said when I could speak more calmly.

"I take it this 'revitalization' is why Bobby called this emergency Bombshell meeting?" Ranger asked with a really sexy smirk.

"Emer—that rat. It's not an emergency. Probably he just wanted to lock me into his schedule before I had a chance to change my mind." I said with a glare in the general direction of the Merry Men.

"Yeah, well, the guys have been waiting for this day for a long time. Bobby was so happy you were getting serious about training, I think he did the robot." He said wryly as he led me to the smaller conference room Bobby had commandeered for this gathering.

"Huh, would have liked to see that. Is that his go to 'Happy Dance'? Mine has always been the rump shaker. Ooh or the bump if I'm happy with others." I said laughing.

Now given what you know of my luck, you can imagine exactly who all overheard this comment. I have a feeling anytime I'm with Lester for the next little while I'm going to be inundated with Teddy Riley. I looked around the table. Bobby had assembled my favorite Merry Men. Tank sat to Ranger's right while I occupied the seat on his left as usual. Since Bobby had called the meeting he sat next to Tank. Lucky duck that I am I had Lester next to me. Hector was here, as were Cal, Ram, and Hal. Wonder what they were going to be teaching me. Bobby gave me the floor…uggh didn't know I was going to have to talk.

"Umm. Thanks so much guys for doing the Justice League Assemble thing so fast. I've done some sincere soul searching, and I came to a few decisions. First of all there will be no more yo-yoing with Morelli. When even his grandmother, who hates me with a fiery passion, thinks he treats me like shit, it's so time to end it, no matter what my mother may say. Plus my dad apparently hates him, and would really, really like to shoot him." I add with a shrug. I take a deep breath and launch back into the discussion. "The biggest one is, I love my job. I love working with you, and helping keep scuzzballs off the street, and I don't want to go back to wearing pantyhose every day. But that means that I have to actually learn how to do my job." I took a deep cleansing breath and continued. "Let's be honest, I may have good instincts and a decent grapevine…but when it comes down to the actual apprehension, I rely on luck more often than not. I want to be able to kick ass, and not get out run by 85 year old men."

"Bomber, are you really gonna do this. No threatening to shoot us for dragging you for a run, or anything?" Hal asked quietly.

"I can't promise not to threaten, but I do promise to get up and run with the minimal fuss, whining and bother." I said calmly.

"No lo hubiera creído si me dijo que no amenazante o lloriquear cualquier manera, Niña bombardera." Hector said causing everyone else to start laughing. "No se preocupe, Niña bombardera, todos te queremos de todos modos."

"See, Bobby, I also need to add learn Spanish to the list." I whined.

"I've got you on this one Beautiful. All Hector said was 'We wouldn't have believed you if you'd said no threatening or whining any way, Little Bomber Girl. Don't worry, Little Bomber Girl, we all love you anyway.' See we all know you well." Lester teased.

That demanded retaliation. So I very maturely stuck my tongue out at both Hector and Lester, and they said as one, "Don't stick that out unless you want me to show you how to use it."

"No pegue eso a menos que quieras que te enseñe cómo usarlo."

I blushed and slinked back down in my seat. "Meanies." Groaning, I returned to the mature portion of the meeting. "Anywho, if I need to get training, who am I gonna ask other than my brothers, and Ranger."

"Babe, I'm not sure if I'm hurt or not." Ranger teased.

"I know I'm hurt, Beautiful…brother. You'd never have sex with your brother." Lester whined.

"Yeah, can't we be, I don't know, your reserve team?" Ram taunted.

"Brothers." I said firmly. "Despite what I may or may not have yelled at Joseph 'Douchebag' Morelli, I am not the group sex type of girl. So are my brothers willing to help me or should I grab the phone book?"

"Oh hell no. Nobody's teaching you anything but us." Tank spoke for the first time. "You've been one of us since you had the balls to chide me for throwing that crack-head out the window. So we are going to teach you everything we know."

"Umm can't you teach me enough so that I don't get out run by octogenarians anymore? I want to still be me…just faster, stronger and able to kick serious ass. But still want to wear pink and relax in a bubblebath with chocolate…Huummm chooocoooolllatttteeee." Maybe I moaned a bit on that last one but ^yummy chocolate, ooohhh chocolate covered Ranger, or chocolate covered Ranger with Boston Crème filling drizzled all over his abs. Yum!^

"DAMN, Bomber. You have a smutty little mind. Wanting to cover the Boss in chocolate." Lester said laughing.

My face went up in flames as I realized that I'd said those thoughts out loud. "Uhh, Bobby. You said something about a schedule." I gasped out desperately trying to change the subject. Thankfully Bobby recognized what I was trying to do and his voice quickly filled in the silence. I was carefully keeping my eyes focused on Bobby's powerpoint presentation and distracted myself by wondering for a moment how on earth he'd gotten one done in an hour and a half.

"We need to get Bomber trained in several areas, Hand to Hand, Weapons, Awareness, Tactics and Defensive Driving. Hand to Hand, obviously, includes some easy martial arts, as well as some street style fighting. Weapons, broad range of guns, as well as teaching her to disarm a knife welding assailant. Cal is your go to guy for that training. Awareness, the main thing she needs to learn is to assess how to better listen to her 'spidey sense' and how to tell who or what thing in any given area is giving off the bad vibes. She should also learn to assess the most dangerous person in any situation. We'll be turning you over to Ranger and Hector for that. Tactics, Bombshell is the only person in the tri-state area who can't break into her apartment. We are going to change that. She is also going to learn B&E as well as strategic thinking and any other stuff we can teach her to give her a tactical advantage, including Spanish and at least rudimentary French and Italian. All of us will work with you on the different aspects of Tactics. What do you think?"

"Man Bobby, how long have you been planning this?" I asked. This was way more than I expected.

"For about the last 2-3 years." He said with smile. "Once I realized that you were not going to let that ass and your mother convince you to become a 'burg wife, I knew that someday, this would all be needed."

^See this is why I love you guy.^ "Thanks Bobby. I promise not to complain more than three times in any scheduled training time." I said sincerely. "Schedule me up."

"Ok. I've got everything broken down to make it most effective though, you'll probably need to come back to Rangeman full time and we just run all your skips through here." Bobby began.

I looked over at Ranger to gauge his reaction to this, and was met with his almost smile and a full nod. So he was good with me coming back here full time. "I do miss you guys something awful," I teased in a bad southern accent. "I'm guessing that if I come back, my physical training would fulfill my contractual obligations?"

"And then some, Bomber." Bobby assured. "Monday Wednesday and Friday afternoons, you will be with Tank and Ranger working on Street Fighting, Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you are with me and Hal learning martial arts. Saturdays we'll work on Tactics, Defensive Driving and Awareness. Each afternoon there will be target practice and weapons training for an hour with Lester and Ram before your Hand to Hand. Every morning begins at 5:30 with a thirty minute run, followed by an hour of physical training. Between those and the fight training in the afternoons, we'll have you running faster than any of the old fogies you have to bring in. not only that but if you will promise to actually commit to the training and add vegetables to your diet, I won't call for any major changes to what you normally eat."

Before I knew it I was up and over or around the table hugging the life out of Bobby. "I can keep my donuts, and Tastycakes, and my mom's pineapple upside down cake, and Pino's and Ella's chocolate mousse? Really? I'll be soo good. You won't even hear a peep out of me." Then to my utter shame my happy dance took me completely over, and as I danced…I may have been singing "I am gonna be Wonder Woman, I am gonna be Wonder Woman, I am Gonna be Wonder Woman, and still can eat my sweets."

"Fuck me un maricón e incluso creo que tiene un buen culo." Hector said to Cal seated next to him.

"Babe tiene un culo increíble." Ranger agreed from where he sat watching my ass wriggle and bump into Bobby.

^^I so have to learn Spanish!^^

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><p><strong>Translations:<strong>

Fuck me un maricón e incluso creo que tiene un buen culo.

Fuck, I'm gay and even I think she has a great ass.

Babe tiene un culo increíble.

Babe does have one terrific ass.


	6. Chapter 6

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you.

**Chapter 6**

For some weird reason the meeting broke up pretty quickly after that. All the guys dipped to the left, telling Bobby to e-mail them the schedule. I looked back and forth between Ranger and Bobby, "I even ran Hector off? My dancing isn't that bad is it?"

Ranger just looked at me for a minute, blinking slowly before he erupted into raucous laughter. I've seen Ranger almost smile, I've even seen his full on 1000 watt smile, but I've never seen him like this. His head was thrown back his long hair down since it was the weekend. His laugh, as happy and joyous as it was, was also so sexy I could feel the heat of it curling up in me and arching out just under my skin. When it tapered off, I was still looking at him confusion warring with desire on my face. "Babe. You just sent my entire core team, one of who doesn't even like women, running out of her so hard they could pound nails, and yet you think they ran from your dancing? Babe…you never disappoint."

^Yeah, well, I notice you and Bobby are still here.^ There goes the laughter again. Crap, that thought must have slipped out.

"Well Bomber in my defense, I was not afforded the same view as the rest. If I sit down here will you do your happy dance again for me?" Bobby teased. "As for the Boss, he'll have to answer that himself. I'm going to go e-mail the others the schedule. We'll see you at o'five hundred Monday morning." He finished as he gathered his things and left Ranger and I alone.

"So…How about them Knicks?" I said nonchalantly.

"Babe." He said. I interpreted that one to mean, 'Stop trying to change the subject and just ask what you want to know.'

"Fine." I huffed. "What do you think about Bobby's schedule and everything?"

"I think I was hoping that he was going to take you off sugar." Ranger said with a smirk. I gave him a glare…not a full one, medium hard at best. "Babe, I believe that you can do whatever you set your mind to accomplish. I also think that you have one of the best capture rates of any bounty hunter in the state, if you can do that without any training you are going to be a sight to behold with some."

Is it wrong that just made me feel better than I have pretty much since Grandma Bella called me and told me to meet her for lunch? I felt worthy. Like I maybe, one day could really be Wonder Woman. I'm sure I'm making the aww face. I know I am cause Ranger is starting to turn on his blank face. "Don't worry. I'm touched, but I'm not gonna cry."

"Just speaking the truth." He gave me a smile. "So what do you think of Bobby's schedule and everything?"

"I'm gonna do this Ranger. I'm gonna do this for my dad, cause he worries. I'm gonna do this for my grandmother, because she was never allowed to. I'm gonna do this for my Mom and Valerie, so they can see that I'm so much more than 'burg. I'm gonna do this for you and the Merry Men, cause you guys are always there for me. I'm gonna do this so that someday very soon I can beat the everlasting shit out of Joseph Anthony Morelli. But Most of all, I'm gonna do this for me, cause I want to fly and this is gonna give me wings."

_O'Five Thirty Monday Morning:_

^What the hell was I thinking? I hate running. Why the heck did all of them have to come.^ I muttered to myself. Thinking back thirty minutes; I was really, REALLY happy I'd worn my running clothes to bed. It was an effort to hopefully get a few extra minutes of sleep, but it ended up being necessary to preserve my modesty. Ranger came in and managed to get me awake. Fairly easily. And as I stumbled to the bathroom to answer nature's call, I walked right past the door to the living room. My mind woke up to the sound of Lester whining.

"Aww she's not in a tiny shirt and panties this time." He groaned. Someone…Probably Tank slapped him upside the back of the head. Yea Tank! I, however, had to pee like a racehorse, so I flipped him the bird and kept on walking.

I was ready pretty quickly. After all it was O'Too Damn Early in the morning; even I wasn't going to bother with more than chapstick and mascara. Socks and shoes and now here I am running, chasing Ranger's sexy running ass around this stupid track. Apparently while I was taking the short stroll down memory lane, Lester was talking to me.

"Beautiful, we figured since we all run every morning, we'd come and run with you. Bobby has all these reports saying that when you are getting started in something life changing like this, it's best to have a strong support system. So we figure that we'd run with you for a while. Just until it becomes second nature like it is for all of us."

^See now I feel bad for flicking you off this morning.^ Thank you Lester. You and all the guys. Ya'll are always here for me when I need you. ^Make me feel all guilty for grumbling. Can't even let a girl throw herself a pity party.^ "And why is everyone else running behind me?"

"Cause we're watching your ass flex the same way you are watching the Boss." Bobby said quietly. "Scenery like that is enough to make anyone enjoy a morning run."

"Sí, y todos sabemos lo que vamos a hacer en cuanto a las duchas después de este plazo." Hector said causing everyone to start laughing.

"One of these days you guys are going to let me in on all these inside sexy sounding Spanish jokes." ^So not fair, sexy sounding Spanish speaking, hot guys making me run before dawn with only one piece of eye candy.^

"Ok, Bomber. Who do you want up there with Ranger first. If we are going to objectify you, it's only fair you can watch us for a while." Tank said magnanimously.

"Well in that case…Bobby and Hal." I said with barely a moment's thought.

"Bomber, you are the UN of ogling aren't you." Lester asked from beside me. As Bobby and Hal put on short bursts of speed taking them even with Ranger.

I mustered my energy and gave him a cheeky smile. "You know Bobby was right, the right eye candy can make even me exercise."

Yeah that thought was blown to smithereens around twenty minutes later. All the eye candy in the world isn't making 100 military style pull-ups any less suckish. The only thing helping is that Ranger's taken it upon himself to help me achieve the proper form and was sneakily helping me actually pull myself up on the stupid bar. But then Bobby moved me onto core strengthening, with this really EVIL exercise with a ball. You would think that any exercise where you sit on your butt the whole time was a good thing, but no, this thing was the bastard love child of a crunch and the washing machine only they added a three pound ball. That afternoon I had my first training with Ranger and Tank. They decided that the best form of street fighting they could teach me was picupshit. Where, basically, I used my environment against my opponents. They also used the time to teach me some rudimentary Spanish, like body parts and stuff like that. By the end of the first day I learned to throw a mean punch.

Over the course of the first week, I took more hot showers than ever before, and someone should have told me to buy stock in Ben Gay. Defensively I can say that Bobby's version of martial arts would never lead to enlightenment, but they were helping me get really good at kicking and hitting. By the end of the second week I was running farther, and not complaining quite as much about the hour of physical training every morning. I could also throw off some holds and disarm someone with a small knife, if they weren't REALLY trying to kill me. By the third week I was actually able to out run a geriatric skip, I could pick a mean lock, and I even learned some kickboxing moves. And best of all Morelli had been out of town on a case for the entire time. By the time I became aware of this fact, of course, he was back.

I was taking Mooner and Dougie in, again, standing there calm and happily chatting with Robin, who'd just asked me if I'd lost weight or something 'cause I was looking great. Have I mentioned how much I love Robin Russell? When I heard a not at all, missed voice.

"Cupcake, looking good. The boys have missed you." The asshole said as he swaggered up to me.

"The 'boys', can rot and drop off for all I care." I returned caustically. You know now that I've thought about it…how demeaning and insulting is that 'boys' bullshit anyway. "My God, Morelli, what are you twelve. 'The boys have missed you.' the first time you said that bull I should have kicked 'the boys' into your throat."

"Oh and I suppose Manoso is any better?" Morelli said snottily.

I thought back to several conversations Ranger and I had had over the years. Conversations filled with innuendo and double entendres. And I could feel the absolutely lascivious smile that crossed my face. "Oh hell yes. Ranger says things like 'Exercise improves your sex life.'Or 'I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful.' Or 'One Ranger is all you'll ever need.' Oooh or 'Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home.' Ranger thinks about the pleasure of his partner. When's the last time you spent 12 minutes trying to get someone else off, let alone 12 hours?" I said with a smirk.***

"If it takes that long he must be doing something wrong." Morelli said with a superior air.

Behind me Robin, Moonie and Dougie all started laughing. "Dude, I've been high almost constantly since 1995, and even I know that it should take more than twelve minutes." Mooner said laughing.

"Actually guys, Morelli may have a point. I mean I personally thing that just seeing Ranger naked would be enough to ruin me for all other men." Robin teased. "I mean how the hell could anyone else even compete?"

I gave her sincerely unapologetic look. "Now, Robin, just for a minute, imagine working out in a packed gym with all the Merry Men. All of them all ripply and muscly, and each of them having abandoned their shirts in favor of their reps. I get to do that every morning."

She and I just stood there drooling for a minute. "Oh please. Any man who works out that obsessively is obviously gay. Either that or they are in prison. Is that why your Merry Men work out so much, Cupcake? Did they get used to it while they were doing their bids?"

"Fuck you, Joe. You and I both know that Ranger and his Men all served this country. They went into warzones, while your pansy ass never even made it out of port. Say whatever you want about me. If you have beef with me let's keep it with me. You keep Ranger and his men out of it. Or would you like me to tell the entire Trenton Police Department that you are in bed with the Mob…literally; Terri is _FAMILY_, Joe or did that slip your mind?" Probably I was ready to take him out. Maybe I was trying to get him to start something. Here in the copshop, I couldn't throw the first punch; not if I didn't want to end up charged with assaulting an officer.

"Well maybe if you weren't such a prissy uptight prude, I wouldn't need Terri. Come home and do your fucking duty, for Christ's sake. I mean what kind of woman won't let her fiancé go bare back, or demands he always use her special rubbers?" Joe taunted.

"A smart one, who knows you have serious trouble with monogamy. I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I never trusted you Joe, not even enough to use your condoms. I always wondered if you were pathetic enough to poke holes in yours to try to trap me into marrying you." I shouted. That duty comment had sent me straight into rhino mode; go directly to Rhino Mode…do not pass go, do not collect $200, fast. "My god Morelli, I know I can be a selfish bitch. I know it was wrong of me to stay with you when I so clearly am never going to be the wife and mother type. But why the hell can't you just let go?"

"How many times do I have to say it? You are mine." Morelli growled.

"That's funny, cause as far as I know, I'm mine…Maybe my parents can claim I belong to them since they are the reason I'm here. But funnily enough, you don't look like my dad." I fired back. "Ask yourself a question Joe, how can you say you love me, when you don't even seem to like me? The other day you called me the Rangeman whore, and you just called me a prissy prude in a room full of people?"

"I love you, Cupcake. Always have. And you are a prissy prude; you won't do any of the fun stuff in the bedroom." He claimed staunchly. I was starting to give up on him actually making this physical when a voice rose from behind me.

"That's funny; there was almost nothing we didn't try."

**_Translation:_**

Sí, y todos sabemos lo que vamos a hacer en cuanto a las duchas después de este plazo.

Yeah, and we all know what we'll be doing as soon as we hit the showers after this run.

***Quotes in this paragraph come from www(dot)goodreads(dot)com/author/quotes/2384(dot)Janet_Evanovich?page=3


	7. Chapter 7

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

**AN:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you.

Translations at bottom to not impede the flow of the prose. (Sorry but it really didn't work the other way)

**Chapter 7**

"_That's funny; there was almost nothing we didn't try." _

First Rule of Fight Club…Don't Talk About Fight Club!

First Rule of fighting Joe Morelli…never take your attention off a pissed off Morelli. Probably I should have remembered that. But in my defense, who wouldn't have turned and looked at someone saying something like that about them. As I turned and looked at Ranger, Joe caught me with a sucker punch that glanced off my cheek bone, HARD. Fucker knocked me down. ^Bitch move, Joe.^

"You cheating fucking cunt!" Morelli yelled as he made to hit me again. Before he could, or I could even stand, Joe froze.

"Touch her again and I put a bullet in your brain, Joe." Eddie Gazarra said from where he stood behind Joe. The barrel of Eddie's side arm was pressed into the hair behind Morelli's ear.

Morelli lowered his hand slowly, but before it could get anywhere near his own gun, Big Dog stepped forward and pulled Joe's gun from its holster. "Oh, so you guys –my brothers in blue- are gonna side with this snatch over me. I thought we were supposed to be a brotherhood…like family."

"Sure Joe…we were LIKE family; until you raised your fucking hand against my ACTUAL Family." Eddie snarled.

^^See this is exactly the reason it is never smart to piss off happy-go-lucky people. When you aren't used to seeing someone get mad, you have no frame of reference. No way to know how mad they are, compared to how mad they could get …let alone what they will do with that anger. Of course Morelli is too stupid to think about the fact that in the last 32 years, no one has EVER seen Edward Gazarra as pissed off as he is right now. And I'm sitting here praying on Bella Morelli's behalf that Joe is smarter than he's been acting lately.^^

"She ain't family. She's just a lying, cheating cunt who happens to be related to the whiny cunt you married." Joe ground out.

^^Ok. Officially Joe is dumber than Bob. And Bob is a big dumb dog who likes to eat indigestible objects just for fun.^^ Morelli is the only person in the room surprised when the sound of Eddie drawing back the hammer on his gun filled the tense silence of the room.

^Oh Shit!^ "Eddie, come on Eddie. Put the safety back on…Morelli so isn't worth it." I said a lot more calmly than I felt.

"Steph did you hear him? I personally think that stupidity like that needs to be taken out of the 'burg gene pool. I've a gun in my hand pressed against this _stronzo's_ head and he still has the nerve to say some vile garbage like that?" Eddie asks. His voice is so tight it literally vibrates with rage.

"So, we'll cuff him, prosecute him for the assault on Steph. His career is finished. Mayor Juniak and Frank Plum served together; they still have coffee every week. Morelli's off the force and with that in his jacket and the blackballing you KNOW the mayor will do…he'll never work as a cop again. It gets out that he's fucking a mafia princess…he sure as hell won't be able to transition to the feds." Big Dog said trying to diffuse the situation.

"Once word hits the 'burg grapevine that he hit Stephanie…there isn't a woman in this town that will have him. Remember how Anthony had to go to Newark to find his wife." Carl Costanza said helpfully.

"Gazarra, Stephanie appreciates you standing up for her. And she'll make sure that the whole 'burg knows how far you are willing to go in defense of your wife and family. But don't pull the trigger…you'll want to go home to your wife tonight, not go to jail with this _grillo." _Ranger said from over my shoulder. ^^Huh, when did he get this close to me, and I not notice. I always notice. Oh Idea.^^

"Eddie, if you put the gun away and let Big Dog cuff Morelli…Not only will I make you a god in Shirley's eyes, and the best husband in the 'burg, I'll take your kids every Friday night for a month. Joe, he's gonna apologize for what he said about Shirley the whiner and I'll make it so you and Shirley can have alone time every Friday for a month, six weeks even, if you'll just holster your sidearm." I pleaded.

"Stephanie, I really, REALLY want to shoot him. Your dad and your uncle would want me to shoot him." Eddie retorted, still madder than I'd ever seen him; and I was there the night he and Shirley came home to find their kids had pulled a Macauley Caulkin on their babysitter.

^^Thing is, I couldn't really argue with the truth. What to say, what can I say against that? Daddy would have shot him as soon as he hit me. Probably there wouldn't have been a warning.^^ "Not in front of witnesses. They'd want you to do it so that you still were here to raise your kids, while Joe rotted six feet under. Remember the story Uncle Fred used to tell us about his dad's Cousin Carmine. Cousin Carmine killed the sorry son of a bitch son-in-law that beat his daughter Angela and got away clean…remember. So clean that the SoB's mother asked Cousin Carmine to find out who'd done it. That's how they'd want you to do it…not like this."

"Fine as soon as this stupid _rompicoglioni _apologizes for hitting you and for all that he said about YOU and Shirley…I'll stand down and let the boys cuff him." Eddie said starting to sound more reasonable.

"Apologize Morelli." I said quietly. I could see him starting to get stubborn. "Apologize now Morelli or I add statutory rape charges on top of the assault charge. I was underage, and the great state of New Jersey doesn't believe in statute of limitations on Lewd and Lascivious with a minor." I threatened. Maybe I was bullshitting…I don't know if they did or didn't but Joe must have bought it.

"I'm sorry Eddie. I shouldn't talk about your family like that. I shouldn't have hit Stephanie for cheating on me with that spic thug behind her. "Joe said caustically.

As soon as Eddie had his gun holstered, I reared back and punched Joe as hard as I could, dead in the throat. "I never once cheated on your sorry ass Joe. The only time I ever slept with Ranger; you and I weren't together, dumbass. And never let me hear you disrespect Ranger like that or it will be my 38 against your hard ass head."

Joe was coughing and wheezing as Big Dog cuffed him and Carl read him his rights. Apparently Ranger wasn't quite doe with good old Joe. When Big Dog pulled Joe to his feet, Ranger leaned in and whispered something that only Joe could hear. Whatever it was made Joe go white as a sheet, and then he turned red as a beet. Robin shoved him back into booking before he could find his voice…if he still had one.

"Officer Gazarra, I owe you greatly for your defense of Stephnaie." Ranger started.

"No you don't. I've known Steph since the day after we were born…maybe in the hospital. She's family." Eddie said cutting Ranger off. "If anything…we owe you for all the times you've saved her."

Ranger gave Eddie a wry smile. "Maybe so, but still, how about one of those Fridays you have alone with your wife, you let me treat you and her to a weekend at the shore? I'm sure that between Stephanie, myself and my men, we can keep your children safe and out of trouble for a weekend."

^Don't be so sure. It will be an epic battle…the Merry Men against the Gazarra trio.^ I thought as Eddie and Ranger shook hands.

Mooner and Dougie and several others started laughing hard. Oops out loud again. They came closer to me and asked, "So are you finally done with Supercop?"

"Yes, yes, and in fact…hell yes." I responded.

"Good…then we can finally tell you…We Fucking HATE that dude!" the two stoners said with surprising synchronicity.

* * *

><p>I managed to sneak out of the station while Joe was being booked, and Ranger was working out the logistics of babysitting with Eddie. There were more than enough witnesses they would need to interview. I should be able to fudge out an hour. I had a promise to keep.<p>

As I drove to the bail bonds office, I called Mary Lou and related the story of Eddie's bravery, chivalry and devotion to Shirley. She told me that she would make sure all the right people heard the tale. Then I called Shirley and gave her an even more romanticized version of events. IF Eddie didn't get laid tonight…I'd be shocked.

I parked Uncle Sandor's Big Blue next to Lula's firebird, behind the office. The second I walked in the door, Lula was asking if I had brought anything sweet. She stopped mid sentence to ask, "What the hell happened to your face? I thought you were just going after Mooner and Dougie. I'd have rolled with you if I knew you were going somewhere you could catch a fist. I just can't go round Mooner and them right now on account of just smelling them fools gives me the munchies. And I'm on a new diet. Thousand calories a day- too damn much math on this diet. It's been a bitch, but I been on it a week and lost three pounds. See, skinny white girl, you inspired me. I figured if you could get up at the ass crack of dawn, with how much you hate mornings, and eat right and shit, I can at least stick to this stupid mathy ass diet."

"Actually, Bobby says that as long as I stick to his exercise program; I can eat what I want." I said coyly. "Probably, if you want, I can see if you can join us."

"Hell naw. I cannot be seen by them fine ass men huffin' and puffin' like a dying cow. And stop trying to change the subject. What happened to your face?" Lula retorted.

"Well, Joe apparently believes that I'm his freakin' possession. He didn't like something he heard, so he hit me and called me some really nasty names." I said quietly. "Right in front of the TPD booking desk."

"That no good _zia_!" Connie yelled. "Where is he? You want I should call my Uncle Jimmy?"

"Nope, Joe is being booked as we speak-assault. But the best part is what Eddie did in there." I said before relating the story. When I was finishing up, my cell phone rang. Of course it is my mother.

"STEPHANIE MICHELLE PLUM, what's did you do? I hear that Joe's –" She started. However she was cut off as a voice rang out behind her.

"Give me the Goddamn phone Helen." My dad yelled. Ut oh, Mom's in trouble.

"Stephanie, Pumpkin, I'll have to have your mother call you back. I need to call your cousin Vinnie." Daddy said his tone firm.

"I'm here at the office, Daddy. Want me to get him for you?" I asked. Connie ran to Vinnie's door and yelled at him that his Uncle Frank wanted to talk to him. I put Daddy on speaker phone when Vinnie came out.

"Vincent Dominic Plum, if you bond out that cacasodo asshole Morelli again, not only will I make your life hell, and cast you from the family, I will personally make sure that your father in law learns of all your extracurricular activities." Daddy said authoritatively.

"Why, Uncle Frank, what did he do? Wait…which Morelli?" Vinnie asked confused. ^^Huh guess Connie must have already found the bugs today.^^

"Joseph Morelli laid his hand on my daughter, your cousin, your family." Daddy informed him.

Vinnie cast a look at me. And to my shock he looked a bit angry at the bruise he saw there. ^^Huh, Guess Vinnie does have a heart after all.^^ "I can refuse to bond any Morelli out ever again, if you want Uncle Frank."

"Yeah, I want. You can be a good boy Vinnie." Daddy said softly. He'd right Vinnie may be a money hungry pervert…but he can be alright when he wants to…but only to family. "Stephanie," Daddy said sternly, pulling me from my thoughts. "Get back to the station. Eddie needs to get your statement and get pictures. He called a few minutes ago."

"Yes Daddy." I just needed to get a jump on the 'burg hotline." After he hung up, I turned to Connie and Lula and sighed. "My Daddy says I have to go now…maybe I can come back and play after my chores are done." It's always good to leave on a laugh.

I got back to the station and was surprised to see that my cousin Shirley had popped up. She was leaning against Eddie's desk as gave my statement.

"Stupid bastard should have his balls cut off." She snarled when she saw my face. Shirley's the only female in my family to never try to throw me at Joe, well other than Grandma, who figures Joe fine for a screw…but not for marriage. Now I'm starting to wonder why.

* * *

><p>Anyway, after I'd given my statement, Ranger followed me back to Haywood. Apparently whoever was on monitors saw my Technicolor Dream Cheek, and raised the alarm. By the time we made it to five, there was an Alpha Male assembly led by Tank.<p>

"Who the fuck did that to you Little Girl? And did Ranger kill them or do we get to?" He started.

"Ranger didn't kill him, though Eddie Gazarra came real close. But right now he's in lockup at the copshop." I said cheekily.

"Damn we can't get into lockup without breaking a law." Lester started planning.

"Well if the guy gets bonded out, we can always hope he tries to skip again." Hal says reasonably.

"Oh it wasn't a skip….at least not a recent one." I said without thinking. ^^Stupid move Stephanie.^^

Tank swelled in size again, "Tell me it wasn't that mutherfuckin' Morelli." He growled.

"Sorry Tank, but I'm not that good a liar." I said with a sweet smile. "And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my dad has straight up forbidden Vinnie from bailing out any Morelli on any charge, Ever."

"Damn. And Mooch burned that bridge at Sebring years ago." Lester whined. "I was really hoping he'd get bail so we could take him in." Somehow I doubt Morelli would have enjoyed being taken in by Rangeman for this charge.

"Wait, you said Morelli is in Lockup…they don't have him in one of the interrogation rooms until arraignment like last time?" Bobby asked with a rather evil grin.

"No, he's in regular lockup. And as I understand it from Robin, she'd just processed a suspect Joe had brought in, not an hour before Stephanie got there with Mooner." Ranger said his usually sexy face made even sexier by the slightly dangerous truly even wrath of Ranger face he was making.

"Oooh good. I hope it was a particularly vicious arrest." Cal snarled. Junior and Binkie got distracted exchanging more and more creative and scarily brutal ideas of what the perp could be doing to Joe even as we speak.

I noticed something strange. "Hey where did Hector go? Wasn't he here a minute ago?"

* * *

><p>Italian Translations from<p>

italian(dot) about (dot) com/library/slang/bladultslangindexr (dot) htm

Stronzo = Shit, turd

Grillo = Penis

Rompicoglioni = Pain in the ass

Zia = Passive male homosexual

Cacasodo = Arrogant


	8. Chapter 8

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** **I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School)…I reached this decision about 500 words into this chapter so, that's when it takes effect.** Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, ShyGirl36, Ziandra2010, at8c, Wanda517, sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

I noticed something strange. "Hey where did Hector go? Wasn't he here a minute ago?"

* * *

><p>"Primo, yo necesito un favor. ¿Alguno de sus Crew en TPD encerrar?" (Cousin, I need a favor. Are any of your Crew in TPD lock up?)<p>

"Sí, tengo uno en un cargo en las posesiones, y otro a la espera de ser enlazado a cabo por DWI." (Yeah, I've got one in on a possessions charge, and another waiting to be bonded out for DWI.)

"Buena. El detective Joe Morelli puso sus manos sobre un amigo mío ... una amiga." (Good. Detective Joe Morelli laid his hands on a friend of mine...a female friend.)

"¿Qué tipo de hombre golpea a una chica de los suyos, el hombre debe estar loco. ¿Cuánto de un mensaje que debe recibir?" (What kind of man hits a chick of yours, man he must be crazy. How much of a message should he receive?)

"Nada permanente, pero definitivamente esclarecedor." (Nothing permanent, but definitely Enlightening.) Without saying goodbye, Hector had a grim smile on his face as he disconnected the call.

* * *

><p>Stephanie PoV again<p>

Hector apparently went down to four to get me a salve to put on my bruise. He came back in with it and a warm damp cloth. He took my hand and guided me over to a chair. Without a word to me he pushed me gently into the chair, then with very gentle yet calloused hands he proceeded to wipe my cheek with the cloth before rubbing the salve in. once he was finished he gave me a bright smile. and placed a light kiss on the bruise. "No Mami…but…" he struggled for the English.

"Thank you Hector. I'm sure that the kiss helped anyway. Love is love after all." I said dropping a light kiss on Hector's teardrop.

Hector turned to the guys and rattled off in Spanish, "_I've taken care of the Morelli problem. One of my cousin's crew is in lockup already…he will deliver a message to Detective Morelli. Never again will he lay a hand on Estefania."_

The men all gave Hector major high fives and slaps on the back. Something tells me I don't want to know. "Okay…and now back to our regularly scheduled programming. I'm due for Street Fighting Training with Ranger and Tank…and apparently I need a refresher course; cause Morelli should not have landed that punch. Sucker punching bastard that he is."

"Babe, you sure you want to train today. Maybe you should ride with Lester and Bobby. Go take it out on some skips. Training when you're pissed is a sure fire way to overdo it." Ranger advised.

I nodded. "Alright. You guys mind if I roll out with you today?" I asked Bobby and Lester.

"Hell no. Man, Beautiful, it's gonna be epic." Lester said throwing his arm over my shoulder. "Let's go catch some bad guys."

* * *

><p>We rode out and by the end of the afternoon; we'd brought in three of Rangeman's skips. There wasn't much violence; everyone pretty much came quietly after seeing Lester and Bobby. When we took in the last one, Harrison Potter, his crime he'd destroyed several hundred's of thousand dollars of property when he burnt down a distribution center for the publishing company of the Harry Potter books. This dude should have just shown up done his 30 days in the loony bin and gotten on through. I mean clearly, he is crazy.<p>

Any way when we took in the boy wizard, Gaspick was at the desk. "Evening Pickey." I said tauntingly. "How are things at the copshop?"

"Interesting Ms. Plum. My co-workers learned exactly why one should never put another cop in lockup. Especially not for something like simple assault. Office Morelli is in the secure ward at Trenton General. Two of the Los Lobos were in holding and took offense to his existence. They really did a number on him." Pickey said as he handed me the body receipt.

I made it back to the Rangeman SUV in the lot, and relayed what I learned to the guys. "Hey isn't Los Lobos Hector's old crew?" I asked when I finished. Something clicked in my head. "He didn't just go get that salve stuff did he?"

"Probably not Bomber. You mad?" Bobby asked.

"Am I mad that one of the Merry Men cares about me so much that he would have his old crew rough up my ex-boyfriend for hitting me and being an all around sucky person?" I asked, making sure to keep my voice neutral. "Hell no. in fact let's head to the mall. I owe Hector a present…plus, Bobby I think it's time for Operation Trench coat!"

* * *

><p>So of course Lester forced me to explain to him what Operation Trench coat was. When I was finished, he was laughing his ass off. "Ok…but this operation calls for exactly the right equipment. I saw the perfect thing in this month's VS catalogue."<p>

"Lester, is there something you aren't telling us?" Bobby teased.

"Oh please like you don't get off to those too." Les said snarkily.

I swear I saw a blush darken Bobby's caramel colored cheeks.

"Ok Lester, you can show me this perfect piece of lingerie that you saw in the Vicky's Secrets catalogue. And we won't question why you are still jerking off to a Vicky's Secrets catalogue when you are old enough to buy real porn or anything." I taunted.

"Man that's cold, Beautiful…Ice cold." Lester rejoined shaking his head.

We clowned Lester the rest of the way to the Quakersbridge Mall. But when we got to Victoria's Secret, damned if he wasn't right. It was called the gorgeous merry widow and garter belt set. It was not only beautiful; it was in my perfect size and half off. "Oh my God. Lester if you tell me you know the perfect shoes…I swear I will swing by four and let you see the entire outfit before I go up to seven." I said half joking as I paid for my purchase.

"Oh you ain't said nothing but a thang." Lester said dragging me out the store and to the lower level.

^^Huh…I'd kind of forgotten that this mall had two levels. I mean yeah I shop both floors of Macy's but everything else, Vicky's-upper level, Sephoria-upper level, Mr. Alexander's Salon-upper level, Food Court-see everything I need is on the upper level.^^ so I have no clue where we are going when Lester drags to this store called Bakers Shoes, poor Bobby trailing behind us.

"Holy Shit." I looked around. The shoes might not be designer names but these were some seriously sexy shoes. "Is this sexy shoe Mecca?" I asked Lester quietly, reverently.

Of course Lester and Bobby found this freakin' hilarious. When he could breath again, Lester explained, "I overheard my two sisters, Kelis and Aleshia, talking about shoes over thanksgiving. And Kelis said that while Macy's had classy sexy shoes, the real seduction, leave them on the whole time shoes are at Baker's. Now thinking about either of my sisters shopping here…EEEWWWWWW; but the thought of you shopping here, HOT. So I remembered the name. When we were here with you last time I saw the sign. So here we are." Lester said with a smile.

I went into that store and found three pairs of super sexy Holy FMPs. A pair of black strappy sandals with a four inch stiletto heel, a pair of cherry Red peek toe five inch semi-plat/stiletto heels, perfect for Saturday's seduction of the Batman, and lastly a pair of teal kitten heeled peep toe pumps that are a PERFECT gift for Mom. Ok so that last pair isn't really sexy. At least I hope it's not. Maybe I need brain bleach now.

As I was trying on shoes, Bobby raised a rather valid point…as he usually does when I listen to him…damn him. "Bomber. I hate to pee on your seduction parade…but maybe you and the Boss need to make sure that you are both on the same page…before you show up at his door and make him swallow his tongue."

"But Bobby…when I let Ranger talk he says evil shit like 'my life doesn't lend itself to relationships,' or even worse, 'I love you…in my own way'." I said pouting. "ok so maybe now, I've figured out what he was saying…but you cannot tell me that what he was saying, the words themselves, weren't contradictory to his actions. So its really not my fault I got confused. And of course when I got confused there was asshole whispering in my ear 'Ranger wants to sex, not you', or 'he'll just fuck you and dump you.' and then when we finally do have a night together…guess what Batman does, leaves without a backwards glance, just "Go fix things with Morelli." So see. Letting Ranger talk…messes everything up."

Bobby was having none of it. "I refuse to help you anymore unless you promise…pinkie swear even; that you will have a mature, responsible discussion with Ranger, before you do this. I am your Brother from another Mother, and he is my Brother-at-Arms, I WILL not help you hurt each other."

"FINE." I said with a sigh…but if this blows up in my face, I'll, I'm gonna…I'm going to make a recording of me in the shower, and pipe it through the PA system on four. And tell every single Merry Man it's all your fault if they have blue balls or chafing."

Lester doubled over in laughter. "You would get Brown a beat down, Beautiful. I said it before…cold Beautiful. Ice Cold."

I rolled my eyes and forced them to join me trolling the mall for the perfect thank you for Hector. I stumbled across an interesting store…it was like Spencers Gifts for Latinos. And in there I found the perfect thing. It was a huge poster showing the face of a handsome latino man saying 'Maybe I Don't Speak English, But Your Man Likes My Tongue.' I had to get it. I even paid the extra twenty dollars to have it put into a frame.

Hector loved the poster. He actually hung it on the inside of his cubical rather than in his apartment, so I had some visitation rights. "_Little Bomber Girl, I love it. It is perfect to have up for those asshole contract workers who think I'm an idiot just because I don't speak English. Well hell neither does your average American. I love it. Watch out and see their reactions when they see It." _and the reactions were hilarious. Even Ranger had a chuckle at the word play.

* * *

><p>Damn stupid Bobby, I groused as I dug out my big girl panties and donned them yet again. I swear I haven't worn these thing so many times in one month in my life. But here it is Friday evening and I'm hunting down Ranger, just to friggin talk.<p>

I found him in the gym. Which is actually where I left him to go get cleaned up after our lesson. "Got a minute, Ranger?"

"Always for you, Babe." He returned.

I took a deep breath. Maybe if I babbled this out it won't be quite as bad. "Ok I want you. I want to be with you. And I'm so in love with you…that it actually kinda sucks. And yeah…love comes with a condom not a ring. And I'm actually good with that cause I'd rather poke out my own eyes with a hot poker than get married again. And I cannot be a mommy because children creep me out…and let's be real here, when I had a Betsy Wetsy, I traded her for a GI Joe. I am barely a decent hamster mommy. And we really don't have to worry about your enemies coming after me to get you, 'cause really I get into enough danger on my own, and you are in just as much danger from my stalkers and such as I am for yours. So we can be half living apart fretting like little bitches about what could happen or we can man up get together and see where this takes us. And if I start clamoring for a wedding, check for plastic surgery scars, or a lack of a belly button cause that sure as hell isn't me."

"You've been watching Buffy again haven't you. That was a very Willow-esque babble." Ranger said with a 200 watt smile. "I guess I should let you know that someday has been waiting on you."

My jaw dropped. "Huh?"

"You just said that you were in love with me. I may be a guy…but I know for women there is a huge difference between I love you and I'm in love with you. I've know how I feel about you for a very long time…but Stephanie Michelle Plum trying to figure you out is a BITCH. One second I was sure that you were in love with me and the next you seemed to be stringing my along just in case things with the cop didn't work out." Ranger said his voice soft but more intense than I'd ever heard it.

"Yeah well, I know the feeling. I made you feel like a toy. You got your vengeance though. Dickie may have made me feel like a fool, and Joe may have made me feel like a child. But you are the only man to ever make me feel like a whore." I spat.

"Shit Babe, I never meant to do that." He said dragging his hand through his hair, wincing when he hit the leather tie. "But I wanted you to want me. I wanted you to be willing to fight for me. When I said 'fix things' with the fucking cop…I half expected you to tell me to blow it out my ass."

"I wanted to, but a) you walked away without a backwards glance and b) I'm really scared of the thought of waking up in a third world country." I kidded a bit. This has to be the weirdest relationship conversation ever. "plus there is the fact that you confuse the hell out of me. How was I 'supposed' to take 'my life doesn't lend itself to relationships'?"

"Maybe you could have said 'neither does mine' or even 'nothing worth having is ever easy'. I would have at least known that you were headed the same place I was." Ranger said with what another person might call a sigh. Another person, not me, because I know that Ranger, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, does not sigh. "You don't get it. You see this face and body and don't realize that most of the time women just want the package, not me. Testing you may have been a bit childish; but I needed to know."

"Like the face, Love the package, am in love with the man who has supported me and helped me fly for the last three years, man of mystery that you are. So are we on the same page now?" I asked.

"Are you fully over the cop?" He returned.

"Oh please. I'm so over him. I don't even need the post boyfriend voodoo ritual. That ship has sunk. That bell has cracked, the gargantuan lady has sung. That wasn't a relationship; it was verbal abuse with a side of sex. You are who I want." I assured him.

"Well then Welcome to Someday Babe." Ranger said drawing me into a smoking hot, pantie ruining, internal happy dance kiss.

"I'm having dinner with the parents tonight, a command performance. Probably gonna get tortured by my mother for Joe. Yeah me! But tomorrow evening, why don't we have dinner on seven?" I asked. Operation Trench coat is a go. "I'll even bring you a huge healthy salad."


	9. Chapter 9

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School). Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, ShyGirl36, Ziandra2010, at8c, Wanda517, sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you.

**Chapter 9**

I should have known. As soon as I pulled up to my parents' house, I had a shiver run down my spine, and I swear I heard that creepy music from the Freddie Kruger movies playing in my head. The second I stepped into the house I realized that somehow my mother had gotten me over here and my dad and Grandmother were nowhere to be seen. SHIT!

"I just don't understand it. Why on earth would you have Joe arrested? He's been nothing but wonderful to you. He wants to marry you. He wants to take care of you. Any other girl would have jumped at the chance. He's been better to you than you deserve." She started in as soon as I'd closed the door.

"Mom." I said with a sigh. Maybe a bit of her own medicine, "Why can't you be like Mrs. Molnar? She has never once told Mary Lou that Lenny was too good for her."

"That's because Marry Lou is a good 'burg girl. She doesn't go around rolling in garbage, or blowing up her cars, or traipsing all over town with people like that Lula, or that bounty hunter. She's married to the man she gave her virginity to and she is raising her children." Mom responded smugly. "She didn't feel any need to be so, so different."

"First of all who said that Lenny was Mare's first? Second of all so what if I'm not exactly like everyone else? Why have you always tried to force me to be something, someone I'm not? Someone I don't particularly want to be?" I returned. Maybe Bobby's martial arts training is bringing me enlightenment. I'm not yelling or anything.

"You have to be like everyone else. It's what you do. You grow up and get married. You have children. If you have boys you try to raise them to be successful business men or doctors, or lawyers, or at the very least police officers. If you have girls you raise them to marry and take care of successful business men or doctors, or lawyers, or at the very least police officers." My mother said, her voice was condescending, like I was too stupid to understand her.

So I took the same exact tone. "Mother, it is no longer 1950 anything. Women now can become successful business people or doctors, or lawyers, or at the very least police officers they can have families or not…women no longer only have jobs if they are spinsters."

"Maybe in the rest of the world, but here in the 'burg, its exactly 1950 something…at least when it comes to this. I'll never understand how I could have had such an unnatural child. You couldn't be happy taking ballroom dancing, or ballet, no you wanted salsa and hip hop. You couldn't like Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake, no you wanted to be Jem and the Holograms or Wonder Woman. Nothing Valerie and I did was fun to you. Nothing 'burg was good enough to you. And it's still the same. Joe Morelli isn't good enough for you, you'd rather whore yourself out to that, that thug Ranger." Mom ranted.

"What kind of mother are you? Are you so worthless in your own mind that you have to beat at me and dump on me just because I'm not the same cookie cutter clone of you that Val is? God I love Val, don't get me wrong, but I have no desire to be her. She is happy and that's all I've ever wanted for her but Val and I shouldn't have to sneak around to see each other and have a relationship because we don't want you to wreck it." I ranted and raved right back at her.

"I heard a quote once, 'Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.' I never had that. I've never felt like you were God, 'cause God is love and you have always hated me. I've seen glimpses of it, when I behaved exactly like you wanted me to…but Grandma has been more of a mother to me than you. She is the one who accepted me and loved me unconditionally. She is the one to shelter me and care for me." I asked, I've wondered for years…I used to wish I had a different mother…that maybe Daddy had had an affair, but then Grandma wouldn't have been my grandmother, so I gave that thought up…I needed my Grandma.

"Of course she does. You're just like her…unnatural. And selfish and trashy, and embarrassing." My mother groaned. "If it's not you blowing up cars, it's her blowing up funeral homes."

^^At least she remembered that I didn't cause that one.^^

"If it's not people calling to tell me about seeing you somewhere with one of those thugs, or dressed indecently with all of those thugs, its someone calling to tell me about your grandmother getting chased out of the senior center for performing fellatio on some little old man." She ranted.

^^Huh hadn't heard about that one. Go Grandma…as long as she isn't grabbing the Merry Men's packages or butts, I'm happy.^^

"And you stand there looking proud." Mom was aghast again.

"Yes I am proud. And you know what if you would finally wrap your head around the fact that the 'burg isn't your family, that if you don't stop with your need to have everyone fit the 'burg ideals of normal, you are going to end up alone. Dad is tired of it. Grandma is tired of it I'm tired of it, Hell even VAL is tired of it. My own sister has come to me asking me to make sure she never treats Mary Alice like you've treated me. You aren't normal Mom…maybe you need to see a councilor, because it's not natural to tipple and iron toilet paper because some busy bodies call you to tell you what your daughter or even your mother is doing." I said caustically. "Val tells them to shut up and mind their own damn business. Mary Lou tells them they are jealous because their lives are so boring. Grandma relates each and every one of my stories with honor and pride. And Daddy ignores them all because it's not their business. God Daddy doesn't even like Grandma, and he won't let anyone talk bad about her. One of those men you call thugs hung a guy out of a three story window for calling her a name, a name! He didn't even curse." Maybe I was raising my voice but this is just ridiculous. "Men who have to have hazard pay just to be around her refuse to let anyone talk negatively about her…but you her own DAUGHTER won't stand up for her, and you sure as hell never stand up for me. You are weak. You are spineless. If we, your family don't mean as much as the freakin' 'burg to you then I don't want to be your daughter anymore."

I walked away. For the first time in my life I just walked away from my mother. I needed to talk to someone about this. I had big plans for tomorrow…I've got to get this out of my head. I called Valerie and headed to her house. When I got there she was waiting on the front stoop for me. She is so mom. That's when the tears started. Val ran down the step and pulled me into a hug. My big sister and I would never really get each other, never really understand the way the other thought, but over the last few years, we've gotten a lot closer. We've realized we've only got each other. Eventually Mom and Dad and Grandma will be gone, and we will be the only family the other has. I mean of course the girls…but you know what I mean. Anyway we stood there in her front yard for the longest time. Doing something that did not come naturally to our family, we hugged and gave and received comfort, and it felt amazing…healing.

Val dragged me into the house, and before I knew it she was feeding me. Making sure I felt loved in a more conventional way, at least more conventional for us. Her girls had run in when they heard my voice, but they must have seen the bone weariness in me. Rather than their usual insanity, they just came over and gave me hugs and kisses. Mary Alice looked at me and said. "It's ok Aunt Stephanie, not everyone understands that I want to be a horse either. But if I gave up…who would I be then?"

"You used to be the same. You could look at a person and tell exactly what they were thinking. Then you'd say something so profound and deep that they either thank you and walk away with a smile, or didn't and looked at you like you were strange. It embarrassed Mom to no end, and eventually you stopped doing it. The first time Mary Alice did it; all I could do was stand there and laugh at the totally shocked look on the lady's face. I told her she got it from you. I was determined not to make her feel bad about it. So she never felt like she had to stop. I've told her to try to hold it in around her Grandmother…but she's done it around Grandma Edna…who swears it comes from the Hungarian Gypsy genes."

"She says the same thing about my spidey sense. Probably she's right. I wonder…you remember Diesel right?" I asked.

"Big blonde sex god, smells like cookies?" Val remembered. "Who could forget him?"

"Yeah, well he calls himself and unmentionable. And he's always treated me almost as if I was a compatriot…what if I was supposed to be, but Mom wrecked it with her need to be 'burg." I asked a suddenly quiet Val.

"You finally figured it out huh, Steph?" Diesel asked from behind me. I jumped into a fighting stance before I realized it was a friend not foe.

"Goddamn it, Diesel. Don't do that." I yelled.

"So the rumors are true…you've been training with the Merry Men. Finally gonna get with the Wizard?" he teased.

"Maybe…what's it to you?" I laughed.

Diesel slung his hand around my shoulder, "now that would be telling. But now that you've figured out why I started coming to you I can help you figure out the rest."

"You are here for Mary Alice, aren't you?" Val asked her voice fearful.

"Yeah. She's got her aunt's talents. And her lucky streak, she got me as her trainer. Since I'm already a semi established presence around her, if I can get an 'understanding' boss, I can live and 'work' here while I train her. She'll be able to grow up with her sisters, her family." he explained.

Val gave me a beseeching look, just as my phone rang. I tried to give her a smile. I'd think of something. "Yo." I answered my phone.

"Yo, back…where are you?" Ranger queried.

"I'm at Val's. Dinner at my parents was actually an ambush. So I came over here to mom bash." I said evasively.

"Babe, I have a headache…is he there?" Ranger continued.

"Yeah, can you come over?" I asked. It would be best to ask in person. Right?

"Be there in ten." Ranger said and disconnected.

"How does he always know the second you hit town?" I asked Diesel. "Oh my GOD! That's why you are always trying to push me towards Ranger. He's either Unmentionable himself, or borderline…you want us to get together and make little unmentionables."

"Hey, it's not a eugenics program or anything…but imagine how Morelli would have reacted if your child inherited anything in your range of abilities. I've done some checking; Edna's father could manipulate electrical fields. Her grandfather was such a strong telekinetic, that his name is still in our textbooks. How would Joseph Morelli have reacted to a child levitating a toy?"

I'm sure that the horror written over my face was answer enough. Joe would have freaked, then gotten scared, then gotten angry-maybe even violent. The poor kid would have been completely oppressed and not even known why. By the time I was raising out of that nightmare, the door bell rang and Val was letting Ranger into the house. After Val played good little 'burg housewife, I gave Ranger the low down on the discussion with Diesel about Mary Alice.

"So, Babe, you were almost an Unmentionable. I've always said that your instincts were out of this world." Ranger teased with a wry smile.

"Oh please, I've already figured you out Batman…you are an unmentionable too." I said stepping out on a limb.

"Sorry, Babe, Batman, maybe…Man of Mystery, probably…but I'm not an unmentionable." Ranger retorted.

Diesel stuck his tongue out at me. "He is actually just under the threshold of power for the Strategy guild…where he would have fit best. There was another guild that requested that since he was rejected by Strategy they be allowed to train him, but the precogs said to leave him alone…he had another path to follow."

^^Yeah, but was that path supposed to lead him to me?^^ I thought to myself.

I changed the subject finally asking the big question. "Ranger, think you can find a nominally important pseudo job for Diesel? He has to have a cover in place if he's going to stay here and train Mary Alice."

"Babe." he said with a look that I translated to mean, 'just him being here is giving me a headache and now you want me to pay him to be here?'

"You don't have to pay me. Just provide the cover and I'll even be a good little boy and wear the all black, and follow all the rules. Shit seventy five percent of your Rangemen are borderlines anyway…one actual unmentionable can't be that much worse." Diesel assured Ranger.

Suddenly, out of nowhere Mary Alice came in, with little Lisa toddling behind her. "Please Mr. Ranger. I need Mr. Diesel to train me and so will Lisa. I don't think Mommy would like it if she had to send us away. And I know Aunt Stephanie won't." Then Mary Alice leaned real close to Ranger and whispered something none of the rest of us could hear.

"You sure?" Ranger asked her. When she nodded, Ranger turned to Diesel. "I'll find an opening for you. I will even offset some of your expenses. However you will need to work around her regular life. She will be going to college, and so will Little Lisa. Heck Lisa already has a college trust fund." He muttered, I heard it and filed the knowledge away to ask about later. "I know that you have no real identity, but I don't want that for Stephanie's nieces."

Diesel gave Ranger a solemn, for him, nod and agreed. "While I'm here, I'd like to start a program at Rangerman to help those of you there who are borderline, to build your talents. A lot of you are still reserve military, some of your talents could help a lot on missions."

This time it was Ranger who gave a solemn nod. Val and I smiled at each other. Both of us silently glad that Ranger knew how much we would want as normal a life as possible for the girls. Maybe it was like the ESP guild that wanted him…in fact I bet you that's what most of Ranger's men had too…goodness knows they always seem to know what I'm thinking.

I missed the rest of the interchange because the next thing I knew Diesel was asking if he could stay at my place until he found an apartment of his own. "Sure, why not?" I said at the exact same time Ranger said no.

"There is an empty apartment on four. Right next door to Cal and Lester." Ranger said with a satisfied smirk.

"I thought you had planned to turn that space into a bigger infirmary for Bobby. He was all excited about it last week. He's even started to order the equipment." I asked confused.

Ranger actually flushed. I mean his cheeks turned slightly red. It was the manly BatBlush. "I forgot about that."

I shook off the desire to laugh. "There is so nothing to worry about Ranger. Diesel is right there with the Merry Men stuck in the 'BrotherZone'. We are getting out someday. Nothing's getting in the way." I said solemnly.

The meeting broke up after I said that. I guess it was so deep, and romantic (according to Val) that there just wasn't anything else to say. Yes, I took Diesel home with me. And he was a huge help…I almost chickened out.

"So Operation Trenchcoat is a go?" he asked me as we leaned against the kitchen counters eating donuts and drinking coffee…yeah it was around noon, but anytime is a great time for the breakfast of champions.

"No go." I mumbled.

"Why not? You are not chickening out are you?" Diesel asked. As if he didn't know the answer.

Still I tried to save face. "No I just can't today. I have no money and I still need to get a mani-pedi and I wanted to get my legs…yeah legs waxed, and no money." I said desperately.

"So if I treat you to a spa day, will Operation Trench Coat be a go then?" He asked exasperated.

"I can't ask you to pay for me to get all dolled up for another man." I said trying to find a better excuse.

"Why not?" Diesel said with a smirk. "I'm your brother now aren't I?" he rushed past any argument I could have made. "I have asked you to do so much, and you've always helped me. Let me repay some of your kindness. Please."

Fine, he had to pull out the big guns. "Thank you, Diesel. But I'll never be able to get an appointment today." I said with a sigh.

"Leave it all to me. You just go shower and get ready…leave your hair alone. They will handle that too." Diesel said with as suspicious smile.

He shooed me out of my own kitchen. By the time I was finished getting dressed, Diesel was shooing my out the door and rushing my down to Big Blue. I have to admit had the time of my life. The people at the spa were just wonderful. Diesel made all the arrangements over the phone. I had no choice in what was to be done. They started with my eyebrows, shaping them in a new and slightly different shape that made my eyes look gamine like. After the eyebrow shaping, and a FULL body waxing (Ouch…Diesel I'm gonna kill you), they put me in a kelp body wrap, and then there were two different types of massages, Then they had done my hair, giving my brown hair deep auburn lowlights strawberry blond highlights, and trimming it up a bit. Then a manicure and pedicure, where a lovely lady named Angel coated my nails in a polish called Blow Job Red. An honest to goodness make-up artist, had done my makeup. I'm a Jersey girl so I live in makeup, but I enjoyed the things she showed me including how to create the subtle, sultry day look, and the sexy, bolder night look; even a truly sluttish distraction look. I even got to keep the products, including a matching Blow Job Red lipstick and gloss. Diesel is the bestest brother ever. By the time I got home I felt superb.

Ranger and I were to have dinner on seven, by the time I got back to my apartment, it was five of six. I have never gotten into lingerie so fast in my life. First I pulled on the black lace top sheer silk thigh highs, then I fastened the black lace Garter belt around my waist, and affixed it to the stockings. I slid the tiny scrap of lace they jokingly called a pantie up over the garter belt. Most women make the mistake of putting it under the belt, giving themselves way too many problems if they need to use the restroom, and heaven help them if they want to leave on the belt and stockings during that special time. Well thanks to my work at EE Martin, I'd never make that mistake. I sat down and put on my red seduction shoes. Finally I worked my way into the Merry Widow itself. Thanking God the entire time that it wasn't an actual corset…No way I could have gotten into one of those alone. I grabbed my little black trench coat from the closet. God Bless Ella. Threw it on and ran out the door. "Don't wait up." I called back at Diesel.

"Got get your Wizard, Steph."

The drive to Haywood has never taken so long. Of course I had to swing by Giovinnchi's and grab a huge fresh salad. One last very quick stop on four. I knocked on lester's door and shoved the salad in his hands, opened my trench like I was Mr. Wolencheski, the flasher, closed it and grabbed the salad back. "Thanks for the help with the shoes." I said as hurried back to the elevator.

"But I barely saw anything." Lester complained.

"Good!" I chided. I'm so not a good person.

It took me no time at all to get to Ranger's door. I let myself in, and saw the lovely set up in the dining room. I heard the shower running and realized that Ranger must be running a bit behind as well. I hurried into the kitchen and pulled the Giovinnvhi's tags off the salad and put it in the fridge. I headed into Ranger's bed room and was treated to the luscious sight of Ranger coming out of the bathroom wearing just a towel tied low around his hips. When he turned to look at me, I gave him a sultry smile, and opened the ties of my Trench. I let it fall open slowly, gratified to see that his eyes melted into pools of black desire.


	10. Chapter 10

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School). Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, ShyGirl36, Ziandra2010, at8c, Wanda517, sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you. Thank you to all of you who got **When it Rains** above the 100 review mark. I'm so proud I could tear up.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

I stood in front of him with my trench coat pooled around the hottest pair of red shoes I've ever worn. And I watched as his eyes locked on those shoes and slowly worked their way up over my stocking clad legs, they seemed to pause at the lace tops. He slowly licked his lips as his eyes followed the garters up as they framed me. I knew the second his eyes locked on my doo-dah, little did he know there was a bit of a surprise hidden behind the lace. I could feel the heat of his gaze as it slid up my stomach to lovingly caress my lace covered breasts. Eventually his eyes met mine, and the love I saw there told me I'd made the right choice. "Like what you see?" I asked cheekily.

"Oh you have no idea." He said quietly. "Babe?"

"I took some time, an entire month to focus on me. Then I was going to surprise you by coming here wearing lingerie covered only by a trench coat. I even named it…Operation TrenchCoat. Bobby however felt that we should talk things out and make sure that neither of us would get hurt by moving forward. Hence yesterday's conversation."

"My God, Babe. You look so fucking sexy. I can't even form coherent thoughts." Ranger groaned.

"Why is it you look at me in this get up and can still say things like 'coherent thought' but I can guarantee if that towel hits the floor I'm gonna start to babble like an idiot?" I teased.

"Babe. Giving secrets to the enemy." He chuckled.

"If you are still the enemy, I'm in the wrong outfit." I returned.

He gave me a searching look. "You finally figured it out. I've never been your enemy. Morelli's enemy, maybe…but never yours."

"Yeah I should have figured that out when all my Stark Street skips started calling me 'your woman'. So am I, really?" I asked taking, what I hoped was, a sensuous step forward.

"Are you ready to be my woman?" He asked seriously.

"I think so…what does being 'your woman' entail?" I asked seductively.

He closed the distance between us. "Well my woman, would have to take her personal safety as seriously as I do." He said pulling me into his arms.

"I am becoming a kick ass fighter and I'm, supposedly, a natural with a firearm."

"Good. That's one." He said lowering his head to claim mine in a kiss. Dear lord it was slow deep and intense, everything a good kiss should be. When it was over, I'm pretty sure that he was supporting at least half my weight, cause my knees were so not working correctly. "My woman has to be willing to believe in herself as much as I do."

"I'm still working on that one. But I feel comfortable saying that I have made some pretty good strides." I said leaning back to look in his eyes.

"You have." He said in his very calm very rational tone. Followed by another bone melting kiss. "My woman would have to love me." He whispered in my ear, just before he nibbled on my ear lobe. "My woman would have to call me by my real name."

"I have loved you so long I'm not sure I have ever not loved you. So that one's easy. And calling you by your name, I can do that…but which name? Ricardo, Rickey, Rico, Ric, Carlos?" I moaned. Each name had been punctuated by Ranger taking a nip of my neck.

"Damn, Babe, I loved the way all of those sounded on your tongue. My family calls me Carlos, since My father's name is also Ricardo. In the quiet hours the guys call me Ric or Rico… Tank insists on calling me Rickey." He said with a put upon sigh. I could tell there was something he was holding back.

"Oh my God, tank calls you Pretty Rickey, doesn't he? That's what you just refused to day isn't it?" I asked almost choking on all the laughter trying to get out. "Your Dad has the same name…why aren't you a junior?"

"Dad is Ricardo Alejandro Manoso, I am Ricardo Carlos Manoso. If we ever have a son, he would become Ricardo Francisco Manoso…or something similar to honor my father and your father."

"I get it, but you know you haven't finished telling me what it takes to be your woman." I said before pressing a kiss to his collar bone. I kissed my way to his neck.

"Hmm, she would have to understand that I come equip with a hectic schedule, two guns and a knife." He whimpered.

"And is it one of the guns, or the knife that is tenting your towel, Carlos." I purred. And it may be just my imagination, but I would swear under oath that the 'gun' under his towel had gotten even bigger. "besides I'm not a nine to five kind of girl…and I come equip with a gun, that is often on my hip now instead of in my cookie jar, three different kinds of defense spray and a multitude of crazy relatives, which if not classified as weapons, should be."

"Sounds like we may be a match made in heaven Babe."

**Ranger PoV**

I led her over to the bed. Laying her on the bed, I stood over her and just looked at her for a long minute. She was so damn beautiful, laying there in my bed, her hair forming a riotous halo of curls around her head. Her body displayed to perfection in the sexiest black lingerie I've ever seen. I finally, lowered myself next to her and began the process of drugging her with my kisses. Her mouth was warm and wet under mine. And she tasted better than any gourmet meal I'd ever eaten, than all the fruity drinks she'd ever imbibed. She tasted like warm honey infused whisky. She tasted like homemade hot chocolate made from the best Godiva chocolate folded with heavy cream and then thinned down with whole milk. She tasted like perfection. And I knew that I had to have more. I leaned a little further towards her and she wasted no time in deepening our kiss meeting my every lick, swirl, and taste with her own.

God the way she kissed. Her sweet tongue darting little seeking missions into my mouth, sliding her tongue along mine to draw my tongue into following hers back into her mouth. Once she's lured it where she wants it she sucks it gently. Causing me to slant my head and deepen the kiss even further to return the favor. I dragged my lips down over her stubborn little jaw and dotted nipping little kisses down the column of her neck. I found the perfect spot, and laved it with my tongue, before drawing it into my mouth, marking her. She'd be able to cover it with her uniform shirt, but not a regular tee-shirt.

I held her for a minute, my hands roaming over skin too soft to be real yet too warm to be imagined. Her soft ivory skin was shades lighter than my own and so very different. I slid my hands down her back, feeling the play of her muscles under her skin, corded ripples under satin. Finding the hooks of her bustier; I undid them, all of them, I mean really why the hell does the damn thing need so many hooks. I threw the tit prison out of my way, and dragged my hands semi-gently around her. Letting my fingers play over her ribs as I placed my hands on her gorgeous breasts. I know she often wishes they could be bigger. But I have no idea why, they were perfect. They filled my hands just right, and were full and perky without even the slightest sag. They rode high on her chest helping to create her distraction cleavage, her nipples, and areola almost the same color of that pink shirt she'd been wearing the day we met. The areolas were swollen and puffy in desire, with little tiny pebbling around the outer edge. Her nipples were at least half an inch long and completely taut. They looked edible…so I decided to taste them. I laid her back on the bed…and the sigh that left her slightly parted lips went straight to my dick.

Starting at the pebbles I licked rings around her areola. First one, then the other, never touching her actual nipple once both areolas were wet. I blew across them. Loving the way her breath hitched and she shivered with her whole body. I wanted to take things slow. To treasure her. To show her what making love could really be like, how pleasurable it could be. Then she went and sighed my name…only she didn't call me Ranger. In that husky, passion filled voice she said, "Ummm, Carlos." I damn near came then and there. Stephanie just smiled at me. "Carlos, ummmm. You always smell so fucking good." Her voice washed over me and I knew she knew what she was doing. "Could you please fuck me, Carlos…Please." I knew the question well; I'd heard it often enough when she was in trouble, just never in that sensual tone, well and of course replace the word fuck with help. She was so much more confident tonight…last time she had held a part of her self back from me. I'm getting all of her now. And she is marvelous. "I need to feel you around me, in me. So that tomorrow when you leave me I can still smell you."

"I'm not going any where…well any where but down." Leaving her breasts for the moment…I kissed my way down her flat belly, dipping my tongue into the concavity of her navel. Everywhere my tongue touched her skin was so sweet. Just licking the flesh of her tummy created a treat for me. So I should have been prepared. I quickly pulled the black panties down her luscious legs. And took my first glimpse of heaven, in far too long. Her cunt was well it was pretty. Framed by the black lace garters and stocking tops, so completely bare of hair, I knew she'd either had it waxed, or she undergone electrolysis. But knowing how my Babe feels about electricity after getting stunned, I'm sure it was the former. She was so wet it clung to her thicker outer lips. Her pussy looked new. And she smelled so fresh, so clean. The memory of that smell has haunted my dreams for many nights since I was the world's biggest idiot. So very, very good. I went to work, I leaned in and licked every dewy drop of her cunt juices off her outer lips, then I laved her clit with a broad flat stroke. Causing her pussy to flower open erotically. She tasted so wonderful I just kept licking and sucking at her until she gushed moisture into my mouth for me to drink up. I didn't realize that I had eaten her through four shattering orgasms, she told me that as she pulled me up to her mouth.

She was frantic. "I want more, God you make me feel so damn good. I want more. Carlos…you need to take that towel off and fuck me."

I maneuvered us so that she was astride me, her sexy thighs hugging my waist gently. I grabbed her hips and though she was on top, I kept the control. Slowly I lowered her tight wet cunt onto my rock hard cock. I was so hard I'd gained a half inch of length. Her hot wet lips felt so damn good on the head of my cock. As I lowered he further. I lost all control, I couldn't help but shout out loud. "FUCK. God damn your cunt is so fucking tight."

She smiled at me enjoying my pleasure. Though I could see a bit of tightness around her mouth. "Only with you…had so much. Never before you have I been so full." I could tell she was being completely honest. I've been with virgins who weren't as tight as my Babe. By the time she was pressed completely against me… my cock buried deep within her, the head pushing against her cervix, she was screaming her pleasure. She came in great heaving waves that seemed to make undulations in every part of her body. Her hips rocked against me and her cunt pulsated around me. I pulled her head down to mine and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. I was able to flip us and started to thrust deeply. Each time I'd pull almost all the way out. Letting the barest inch of my dick rest in her open pussy I paused for a moment and then drive forward with more force than I probably should have. But I was so far gone. I just pounding her pussy and groaning and growling in her ear. "You are Mine! This pussy is MINE! These tits are MINE! Your sexy little ass, sexy little body is MINE! I've been waiting for you for three years. From now on you belong to me."

Then I'm not sure what happened. She screamed. Full blown screamed. And then her whole body seemed to seize, and her pussy, her tiny tight hot little pussy clamped down on me so hard I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but pour every drop of myself into her, and join her screaming with a bellow of my own. We were tied together for a little while her cunt throbbed around my cock, making me relive my orgasm over and over again. I think I may have actually managed a multiple male orgasm.

Rolling over I pulled out of her and pulled her to my side. I let my hand stroke her arm as we cooled down. We slipped off to sleep.

A few hours later I was awakened to the most wonderful sensation. I looked down and my Babe was kneeling next to the bed, giving my entire crotch a tongue bath. Then she took my rapidly swelling dick into that beautiful mouth. As soon as I was fully hard she started to pop me in and out of her throat to a very interesting rhythm. I'd never felt anything like it. The rhythm made it impossible for me to lose focus on exactly what she was doing. She was tormenting me. Trying, it would seem to make me lose control. All too soon she had accomplished her goal. I was seeing green. I picked her from the floor and kissed her deeply. I pushed her against the wall and let my fingers find her nipples. Pinching and pulling. Pulling and pinching, I tortured her until I could actually smell her scent filling the room. Pressing her completely against the wall I lifted her up and stabbed myself deep into her waiting cunt.

"Fuck me. Fuck me hard. Make me yours. Make me your slut." Stephanie breathed into my ear. She only catches the dirty mouth, in bed, but who was I to deny her anything?

"Cum, cum my sexy little slut. Fuck. You spent three years teasing me. Now you are mine and you will spend the next forty pleasing me." I fucked her against the wall until I came and my knees couldn't support our weight any more.

When I regained my composure I stood over her as she laid on the bed, her eyes were heavy with spent passion. I doubted I could get more than half hard at this point but I wanted, needed her to cum more. I wanted to erase that asshole Orr, or that dickhead Morelli from her mind completely. I wanted to show her that her pleasure was the most important thing. Picking her up I settled her against the headboard and knelt between her legs. I rested her knees on my shoulders and got started. I used my tongue to draw out complex military maneuvers on her labia and clit. I used two fingers to play with her G-spot until I actually managed to make her scream again. Realizing that I had lost count of the number of times she had quaked in orgasm. I finally relented. Helping her get fully into the bed, I pulled the covers all loose and we snuggled down and covered up for the night.

Before morning dawned, however, we found ourselves in the kitchen.

**Stephanie PoV**

Ranger finally got me to eat a salad that wasn't potato or pasta. We ate leaning against the counter when my thoughts turned back to our earlier conversation. "So do I meet the qualifications to be 'your woman'?" I asked.

"Babe, I can honestly say that you are the only woman I want to be 'my woman.' You are beautiful, intelligent, intuitive and best of all you understand me. I am not an easy person to understand. I have a very hard time sharing emotions. I don't actually like to talk and in a family like mine I didn't get a word in edgewise very often. But since I've met your dad, I have to believe that you can deal with that as well."

"Yeah Daddy is the only person in the world who speaks less than you and Tank." I said with a fond smile. My Daddy doesn't talk much…but when he does, you can guarantee it's important. It took me a while but I figured out what different inflections of 'Babe" means…if I could get you to tell me more about YOU, you'd be absolutely perfect. And by YOU I mean a few embarrassing stories from your childhood. So I can feel better knowing that you know every embarrassing thing that has ever happened."

"Maybe one day Babe…but can't I just take you to meet my mother? She'll tell you all that and more." He asked as he dragged me back to bed. Who knew sex with Ranger could make me completely forget that he had even had a childhood.

* * *

><p>The next few days were a freaking whirlwind. Tank was the only one who knew the real reason Diesel was joining the Rangeman staff. He laughed for a full twenty minutes, not only at the fact that both Mary Alice and eventually Lisa would need unmentionable training, but at the face Ranger made as he related the information. When I related that Diesel was hoping to get some time in the schedule to help those with latent or borderline talents, Tank sat up straight and awkwardly asked who was it Diesel wanted to train.<p>

"Don't worry…its strictly voluntary. No one is going to be asked to do anything they are uncomfortable with. What talent did you display? I was supposed to be an empathy with precog tendencies. At least that's what I gathered from the few things Diesel said." I said taking the gentle (to those he cares about) giant by his hand.

He gave me that 'this is in absolute confidence' look, "I can kinda communicate with animals. When I was little my momma used to call me Dr. Doolittle."

"That's great. If you wanted to I'm sure Diesel can help you with that. He's going to help me develop my spidey sense." I shared. "I probably would have been found and trained as a child but before they could find me, my mother had trained me not to pay attention to what I felt. I love my life don't get me wrong and I wouldn't have traded Carlos for anything in the world, but sometimes I can't help but wonder how different my life could have been if my mother had been the least bit supportive." Tank stood up and pulled me into a gently hug. I love the Merry Men. They may be hard core spooks and such…but they give the best hugs.

Diesel was crowing about how he had saved Operation TrenchCoat single handedly. So much so that I took him to the mats myself. I'm pretty sure he let me win, but around here I take what I can get. Of course as things always do in the land of Plum, the shit hit the fan.

It was supposed to be a nice and easy distraction. Dress slutty, go in and get the skip. he wasn't even that bad a guy. Yeah he'd killed his wife, but in his defense he did walk in and catch her with his best friend. The friend had gotten away with cuts and bruises, from where the skip threw him through the French doors. I still say he only got such a high bail because the wife was the sister of one of our state senators. I had the perfect outfit, including the black FMP's I'd gotten with my red seduction shoes. I was literally about to set the record for shortest distraction in the history of the world when something changed in the bar. My spidey sense went CRAZY. And before I could figure out where the danger was coming from I heard a voice that I was sure I wouldn't have to hear for at least a few months drawl out from half way across the bar. "Wow, good work Cupcake. You almost got him out to Manoso and his mercenaries in under twenty minutes. Guess it's not hard to pretend to be a slut when you are spreading your legs for the spic and his crew." The bar had gone dead silent and the women and men were watching Joe and I like we were a really, really good soap opera.

I must admit that I was very good and turned to the skip and with a smile asked him to wait for me outside while I dealt with my crazy stalker of an ex. I was really, really surprised when he did it. As the door was swinging shut I could hear Tank giving Mr. Crime of Passion the usual shpeal. I turned to Joe and laughed. "So Joe, how did you make bail? Vinnie promised my dad he wouldn't bail out anyone with the last name Morelli ever again, and I hear that Mooch destroyed any chance at Sebring years ago. So what did you get someone out of town?"

"Oh please, it was a simple assault. Mooch hooked up with a chick in the clerk of court. You apparently weren't notified of the trial date. I got off with time served." Joe Sneered.

"Good to know, care to tell me her name so I'll know whose ass to kick?" I taunted. "Then again if she slept with Mooch, she's probably being punished as we speak, did he ever start taking his valtrex?"

"You know Cupcake, I should have knocked you up in the fucking Tasty Pastry. Bet if we'd been married all these years, you wouldn't still be giving me all this lip." He said menacingly.

"Oh please. If you'd have knocked me up, my dad would have shot you and buried you out under the new post office. Not to mention I was underage you dickwad. Knock me up and you would have been arrested for sure. God what did I ever see in you? You are a demoralizing, misogynistic bastard on the best of times. You treat the entire world like we are just here to edify and glorify you. Your dad was a bastard, Joe and he would be really, really proud of how you turned out. After all he only got to terrorize your mom and you boys, you use that badge to terrorize half the tri-state area."

"Whatever I'm a damn good cop." He growled. "I'm a better cop than you will ever be a bounty hunter. Every day you either blow something up or roll in something gross, or get taken hostage, or get shot, stabbed or find a new crazy stalker. You are an embarrassment and you have single handedly wrecked my career. I'm a DAMNNED GOOD COP!"

"Yeah and yelling it louder will always make it true. Joe, you cannot be that good a cop if you are banging the Mafia Princess. You cannot be that great a cop if you are constantly letting me solve your cases and then taking all the credit. Hell Ranger and Rangeman and I have done more for your solve rate than the academy ever could." I said loudly. "Yeah Joe, all those times I asked you some question, or found some piece of information that blew your case wide open, and not even a thank you. You are a lazy cop, Joe. You rely on Terri's information on people her family wants locked away, you rely on my information on the rest. Hell I bet that when you are undercover, you rely on your dick to work some information out of the well placed females. You aren't anything but a glorified whore. You are making your way up the latter the same way you are always accusing women of doing. Hell Joe maybe you suck dick too. That would explain how you got through the police academy in the first place."

"I'm a real man Cupcake. I don't suck dick." Joe said. Yeah that was a great comeback.

"Oh please Real Men don't hit women. Real Men honor their commitments. Real Men don't try to ruin their ex-girlfriend's jobs. They don't belittle others to make themselves feel better. They don't turn someone's mother against her just to get his own way. A Real Man wouldn't spit on your sorry ass if you were on fire." I yelled. I may be a bit bitter.

"And I suppose that Manoso is a real man. Please. This whole fucking town knows he'd lay down and take it up the ass for you. He is a thug. A gangbanger…his gang just calls itself Rangeman. No real man lives with all those other guys." He tried to taunt me. Unfortunately it would seem that Joe forgot where he was.

"Wait a minute. My kid brother served in Iraq with Ranger and his guys. If it wasn't for Manoso he'd be dead in some fucking desert." A HUGE mountain of a guy said from the corner of the room. This dude made Tank look, ok not small…but only slightly above average. This dude pushed away from the wall and ambled over towards us. "And you know what, she ain't lying I'm a real man, and I would never lay a hand on a woman in anger. And who the hell sleeps with an underaged little girl in the fuckin Tasty Pastry."

^^Abort…Abort Mission This is gonna go all kinds of Wrong.^^


	11. Chapter 11

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School). Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, ShyGirl36, Ziandra2010, at8c, RangerKate, sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you. Thank you to all of you who got **When it Rains** above the 100 review mark. I'm so proud I could tear up.

BTW: I may have been the chick with all the shoes…but I admit nothing!

**Chapter 11**

_^^Abort…Abort Mission This is gonna go all kinds of Wrong.^^_

**Stephanie PoV**

^^Ok. So how wrong would I really be to let this guy beat on Joe for a while?^^ "Mister. Thanks for sticking up for me, and if you still want to kick his ass in a few minutes, I'll move out of the way, and let you." I said instituting myself between the BIG guy and Joe. "but since you are willing to be my knight in shining armor, it is only fair that I warn you that that guy is Joe Morelli…Trenton PD…granted he's suspended right now, I think…but just in case I'm wrong. He is the type to start a fight and then take you in for assaulting a police officer. "

"Thanks for the warning…but I'm pretty sure I still want to kick his ass. My baby brother wouldn't have made it home if not for Colonel Manoso and his team. For this dickhead to stand here and talk shit about them is just fucking wrong. I notice he's not saying that shit with any of them here. He waited until they cleared the place to meet you out front. If that dude had paid attention to what this douche was saying, instead of your rack…he could have tried to break fly." The big guy picked me up gently and set me to the side.

Now one would think that when confronted with a guy who made Tank or hell the BIG Show look like Kofi Kingston and Rey Mysterio, ^^note to self, STOP watching the WWE with Grandma^^, Morelli would have left while I had him distracted. But nope the dumb minchione(fool) was still standing there, smirking.

"Can I have your name…I'm certain Ranger will want to know when he gets back." I ask; wondering if Morelli will be smart enough to at least take this last chance to get a head start.

"Justin Glianiakis. My baby brother is Jonathan Glianiakis." He said with a kind smile. That withered and died when he turned back to Joe. "Did she just say you were Joe Morelli? The same Joe Morelli that served in the Navy aboard the USS Kennedy in 1996?"

"Yeah that's me. Why, you finally smartening up?" Joe said cockily. What on earth did I ever seen in this uccello (dick)?

"Hell no. just finding more reason to kick your ass. You are the reason I got dishonorably discharged. You fucked the Master Chief's daughter, but gave her my name." he growled. "She was only fifteen."

"Ok... I'm gonna sit over here, unless you need me to kick his brother or cousin's ass." I said with a laugh. "You deserve to kick his ass from here to Annapolis and back. I, at least got to hit him in the throat."

What happened next was like watching the best ass whipping of ALL TIME. Justin walked up to Joe and with a ham sized fist punched the cacasentenze (one who likes to moralize) right in the face. Now I will be honest and say Joe tried to block the punch, but I'm fairly certain just added a broken arm to the facial fractures. Those huge fists battered Joe's face and upper body mercilessly. I looked around and was surprised to see that Mooch and Anthony were here, but they were staying out of it. Probably because Justin's friends all looked almost as big as your average Merry Man. And there were four of them.

I felt a tingle on the back of my neck and knew that Ranger had come in. he joined me at the table I'd sat down at, wishing for some popcorn, "Babe." He said quietly. I translated that to mean 'why are you sitting here watching this big guy kick Morelli's ass.' So I explained the situation. "Glianiakis, he's a good soldier. " He said with a smile. He said something into his mic, and soon we were joined by the team, minus Hal and Cal who had taken Mr. Crime of Passion in to the cop shop. Eventually, Justin got bored beating the stuffing out of Morelli, and he turned and looked at the asshole's cousins and said…"get him out of here, and tell him if I see him again…no one else will."

We of course had to buy the guy a beer. And he and Ranger spent some time talking about the man's brother and his compatriots that Ranger had helped to recover from the Afghani-Pakistani border. It was rather enlightening. Ranger told him that if he needed work, come make an appointment with Tank. Apparently it's really hard to find good employment with a dishonorable discharge, especially when you look like Justin does.

"We have offices in Miami, Atlanta, and Boston as well if you don't want to stick around here." Tank told him with a grin.

"If any of the rest of your workers look like her, I'll stick around all damn day." Justin joked.

Everyone laughed when Ranger pulled me tight against his side, and growled, "Mine", possessively.

^Oh My damn.^ I groaned internally. ^It is so wrong that I just destroyed this pair of panties because he got all caveman. Wonder if he'll drag me back to the Batcave by my hair.^

The guys all laughed uproariously. Tank, however, was the only one kind enough to explain. "Out loud again Steph."

"Well crap." Ok need to deflect attention from the mental sexual harassment. "Where was I when God was giving out the filters between your brain and mouth?" I asked no one in particular.

"Probably thought you saw a shoe sale." Lester teased.

"Can I ask you, why do you need so many shoes…I mean you can only wear one pair at a time. I mean I can see you needing different colors, but I dated a chick once that had 27 different pairs of black strappy sandals…what the hell?" Justin asked so confused that anyone could tell this question had been bothering him for some time.

"My guess, she liked the shoes. What guys never seem to get is you all have at least partial shoe fetishes. If a woman is dressed sexy and in house shoes, you never notice the sexy. The complete package has to be there. Plus sometimes the right pair of shoes can make you feel like Eartha Kitt circa 1964 when in reality you are Rosanne Barr circa 1994." I answered honestly. Having been asked this question many, many times over the years…I'd come up with a reasonable explanation.

"Hell I'll cop to having way more than a partial shoe fetish. Especially if we're talking about those thigh high boots you girls wear." Bobby joked complete with eyebrow waggle.

Suddenly I heard a voice…I was positive was nowhere near this bar a few minutes ago. "Sweet cheeks. Your sister needs you like twenty minutes ago." Diesel said poofing into the room next to me.

"I thought you weren't supposed to pop into public places." I said caustically. ^Oh well, there goes my Ranger induced orgasm for the evening.^ "What's wrong with Valerie?"

"Where should I start? Apparently your mother is a bit upset that I'm training the girls." Diesel said with a sigh.

"Why does she even know? Besides I thought you weren't gonna start training MA for quite yet." I asked, as I started to gather my stuff.

"She and the girls have a standing afterschool appointment for them to learn to cook. But really it's a time for Valerie to do some real cleaning. Today Lisa was in the high chair and wanted something that your mother had across the room and so she took it." Diesel said with a proud smile. "Your mom lost the plot. I mean she went so completely ape shit. But hey now we know MA was correct and Lisa would need my services as well. As for the early training…I showed her a few things. You must not remember how hard it is to be an empath and constantly surrounded by tons of people and their feelings. "

"Oh so things went bug-a-bear today at Mom's. What's wrong with Val?" I said concerned.

"Your mom is there yelling and Val really isn't dealing well." Diesel said before he popped away with me.

As soon as we, I don't know, rematerialized maybe… my Mother's eyes lit on me with a glare that made me really glad that looks cannot actually kill. "You this is all your fault. How could I have spawned such an unnatural freak of a daughter like you? I swear you have caused me nothing but trouble from the second the damn doctor said 'it's a girl'. I should have sued him for mal-practice. I wish I had had the boy they told me you were going to be. A boy would have had to been a better child than you."

"Yeah, well, a pit viper would have been a better mother than you." I said without really thinking about the fact that I was forming words. "Is that why you've always hated me? Cause I wasn't a boy?"

"I don't understand it. They told me over and over again, you were going to be a boy. The ultrasound, the way I carried you, the foods I craved…even the god damn rabbits foot said you were going to be a boy. Then the second you popped out, oops. It's a girl. You've been making me a fool and a failure since the day you were born." She said yelling.

"Oh my GOD. You are serious. You are mad at me for being female. How sick in the head are you? It was the late seventies. Ultrasound was just beginning. It wasn't right all the time, heck it still isn't. You are mad at me just because I'm a girl. No wonder I could never please you." I said laughing.

Val was giving her a startling look. "You are kidding me. Mother, have you ever hear of being happy as long as the baby was healthy. I can't do this. All my life you have done everything you could to come between my sister and i. you even told me she broke her arm on purpose just to ruin my summer by making me have to sit with her. And fool that I was I listened…it was never about her…it's always been about you feeling bad because you feel like a failure for now giving Daddy a son. If you wished she was a boy, why didn't you just let them hang out together like they wanted, instead of always forcing her to come and do the girly crap she hated. She and I could have been closer, without all your interference. We could have all been happy, but because you weren't happy she was born a girl, you made sure we were all miserable. "

My mother stood there making fish faces, opening and closing her mouth, without talking. But Valerie wasn't finished. "Well no more. I refuse to let you make my girls miserable. I refuse to make Mary Alice bury her talents, because they aren't 'burg enough for you. I did all the right 'burg things and ended up broke and alone, until I finally realized that having a husband who love me, was way more important than having one who was a good provider. I'm done with you, mom. My girls will grow up happy, healthy, whole and strong. And if one of them can help people by making them accept their feelings, Great. If another one can make things move with her mind, then great. If one of them decided to be a wife and mother. I'll be just as happy. I refuse to be as bad a mother as you have been. Go home Mother. "

"I am not a bad mother. I am a prefect mother. I always had dinner on the table at exactly at six. I kept your clothes perfectly laundered and pressed. I kept the house completely clean and I was always there when you got home." She said defensively.

"You may have been home when we got there, but you were never there for us. How much of better life would you have had if you'd actually had one, instead of dwelling day and night on what you didn't have?" I said before turning to Diesel and having him pop me back to Ranger. My mother needs severe psychiatric evaluation and counseling.


	12. Chapter 12

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School). Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, ShyGirl36, Ziandra2010, at8c, RangerKate, sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you. Thank you to all of you who got **When it Rains** above the 100 review mark. I'm so proud I could tear up.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

**Morelli PoV**

I swear nothing has been going right for me since Cupcake blew up her damn corolla. First she broke up with me for no fucking reason…said some stupid bullshit about making each other miserable. Please. She could make me the happiest man in the world if she would just give up her dumbass attempt at being a bounty hunter and ditch the sideshow she calls friends, and just married me and make a home for me. What's so bad about that? She needs to accept that she is mine, she belongs to me.

Then she manages to turn Eddie and the guys at the precinct against me after I find out she slept with that crazy mercenary Ranger. And from what he said, I have to assume that he was the one to take her anal virginity. That should have been mine too. I was her first everywhere else…but that's ok she will pay for letting that asshole have her ass, my ass. My fellow cops actually arrested me for hitting the slut. She's mine, I can hit her if I want. Then they put me in the frickin holding cells…not an interrogation room like they did when I was brought up on that bogus murder charge…but the regular holding cells. Then some barrio gangbangers tell me that have a message for me and that I shouldn't lay hands on any of their 'hermano's women. I guess that Hispanic chick I picked up last week off State Street was related to one of them. My luck ain't worth shit right now. That was an overnight stay at St. Francis.

Now I'm off the force. Mayor Juniak saw to that. Managed to get the charge busted down to time served, but I've got a record now. And with a record, I've got no chance at working in Law Enforcement anywhere, ever again. Thought I had the perfect way to get my Cupcake back…when I heard two of the lower level Rangemen talking about the takedown going on tonight and how they were using Bombshell as a distraction, I knew what I had to do. I got there and slipped in the back. When I saw her looking like sex on stilts, I was even more determined. She was gonna dress like that for me and only me. Once Manoso's goon squad slithered out in preparation for her to hand deliver their skip to them, I made my presence know. She was still gonna be mine. I mean don't get me wrong…no way in hell I'm marrying her. She's too 'dirty' to marry…but Stephanie Plum is mine…always has been-always will be. I would just take her form the bar and keep her on the side while I find a nice respectable girl to marry.

That was the plan…but then that big idiot Glianiakis stopped me. Why the hell is he still mad about some shit that happened fifteen years ago? I mean that little whore wasn't even that good. She kept crying. Then to top it off he put me back in St Francis. And Mooch and Anthony just sat there and watched him. I would never have just sat back and watched either of them get their asses handed to them like that. Doctor says I have busted ribs, a concussion and my spleen and kidneys are bruised. So I have to stay until I stop pissing blood. I sent Anthony and Mooch home. They were supposed to cover for me and make sure Mom and Grandma Bella don't find out I'm here. But they must suck at covering for me as they do at having my back…cause I've only been awake for an hour and I already have a visitor.

**Edna's PoV**

Maggie G told me the most interesting news this morning. She caught me as soon as I stepped foot into the Clip and Curl. It would seem that her grandson put that seggfej (asshole) Morelli into the hospital last night. She said it was only partly because of some nasty things the ló seggét (Horse's ass) had to say about my baby granddaughter. Mostly its because Joe Morelli seduced the teen daughter of some navy mucky muck back in the day and used her Grandson's name to do it. That nice Glianiakis boy got booted out quicker than spit. Anyhow a little checking and I realized that the hímvessző (dick) was trying to keep it quiet. His own Mother didn't know. This presents me a wonderful opportunity to have a little talk with Mr. Morelli.

Now I may not be a religious fanatic like those Morelli women; but I am a christian woman-gonna do my christian duty and visit the idiot...I mean ill. I called Lester. See what noone knows is that I am not as crazy as I play. After I made those boys scared of my sexcrazed old lady bit, I made a deal with a select few. Basically BLT-Bobby, Lester, and Tank. I leave their packages and patoots alone, and they give me rides when I need, no questions asked. Its a great system.

"Hola Abuela Edna. Where do you need to go?" Lester asked me as he helped me into the big shiny black SUV.

"St. Francis…Lester my boy." I said smirking.

"You ok?" He asked. It was nice to hear real concern in his voice.

"Oh yeah…I'm just fine. I hear Morelli is in the hospital. I'm gonna do my Christian duty and go visit him." I said…it was hard to keep from cackling like a madwoman…but I managed, barely.

He gave me a long hard look, and started to laugh. "Please if I ever piss off one of you Mazur women, just kill me. I hate it when you or Beautiful get creative with your revenge."

"Just Drive Jeeves…give me an hour and then send someone in for me. Hopefully I won't have to kill the no good, child raping bastard…but if I do…" I gestured to show it wouldn't bother me too much.

"Just give me a call and we'll figure out how to hide the body." He said as he stopped in front of the hospital.

It didn't take me anytime at all to find the Morelli boy's room. I let myself inside. "Oh goody you're wake." I said. "You and I we're gonna have a long overdue talk."

**Stephanie PoV**

Last night was so very weird. I mean who on earth hates their kid for being born the wrong gender. I mean yeah I know people often hate their kids for stuff they can't control. Like the homophobes…who on earth really thinks being gay is a choice. Who in their right mind chooses to make their life more difficult and be unable to marry the person they love? Nobody. And since God doesn't make mistakes he must feel that some people are meant to be that way. Simple. Why do people have to make things so complicated? Like religion. If you claim to be a Christian…why not look at what CHRIST felt was the most important thing. LOVE. Boom, love everyone…except cheating ex-husbands and the whores they scrub your brand spanking new dining room table with…and you are good.

Anyway backing the thought train back out of Soapbox Central. All these years my MOTHER has been mad because I made her seem like a fool by being a girl. Not a boy. Apparently I did this as a direct affront on her. Of course when we got back here Ranger showed me exactly how glad he was that I was born female. So it all washed out in the end.

But I still find myself torn between laughing and crying at the simple unfairness. I mean if my mother had ever paid the least little bit of attention in a science class she would know that Daddy is the one who chose, as much as it was possible really I mean yeah now you can choose a bit but still. 'The male gamete is the gender determinate.' Mrs. Kaiser drilled that into our heads almost as much as 'Mother Nature WANTS you pregnant.' Maybe she didn't take biology…she probably just took an extra home ec class. Still she thinks she failed to give daddy a son, and as a result I just suck ass. Oh well. I like being a woman…I get to wear pink whenever I please and multiple orgasms and Ranger, and I can hug someone just because I feel like it.

"Smell something burning, Babe." Ranger's sleepy sexy voice interrupts my mental meanderings. He started to kiss his way down the column of my neck and wouldn't you know it. Whatever I'd been thinking of flew right out of my head. Yeah I'm damn happy to have been born a girl.

**Edna PoV**

"You might as well lay back and put down the nurses' call button boy. I have direct access to the nice Glianiakis boy's grandmother." I said when I noticed that his hand was inching to the stupid button. Don't know what good he thought it was gonna do. I'm here to have my say. Nobody is gonna get me out of here before I do.

"Yes ma'am." He said belligerently.

"Look. You, you may be a handsome guy…nice keister and all but I don't like you and I never have. You are the stupidest supposedly intelligent person I have ever met. You treat my baby granddaughter like shit, and most of the rest of the female population to tell you the truth. You are still as shallow and selfish as you were as an kid." He opened his mouth to object, I cut him off quick fast and in a hurry. "Some how you have developed this belief that whatever you want it should be yours just cause you want it. That just shows how stupid you are. Who do you know that gets anything they want, just cause they want it?"

I waited… "Nobody that's who. Do you think your mother wanted a husband who cheated on her and tried to beat her half to death every other weekend? You think your daddy wanted to be a drunken loser with no future other than to one day be killed by a jealous husband? You think Frank wanted to marry my daughter thinking she was sane only to find out she's nuttier than a fruitcake. You think Stephanie wanted to miss her junior prom because she was too scared to accept any of the boys' invitations because you told the whole 'burg about you basically raping her behind the counter at the freakin' Tasty Pastry. I've hated you since you were eight years old. If I had been able to find your sorry ass, I would have liked to kill you at eighteen. And I could easily kill you every time I hear my dumbass daughter take your word over that of Stephanie, Frank or me."

"You cannot just come in here and threaten me Mrs. Mazur." He said trying to sound authoritative.

"Oh please. If I wanted you dead, I'd have had that lovely Tank boy, or Stephanie's gay friend Hector to kill you and not even leave a body to be found." I said waving off his bullshit. "You are a disgusting child molesting idiot and a liar. You never take Stephanie anywhere, and you treat her more like a whore than a wife. Why the hell would she want to be the whore of a kecske szemét (goat fucker) like you when she could be the woman of a true and honorable soldier like that bounty hunter with the nice package?"

"I treat her like a whore, because that's what she is. Spreading her legs for Ranger Manoso and his men." He started ranting.

"She didn't even know them when she was sixteen. What do you call the way you treated her at the Tasty Pastry? Is that how you would want your daughter to lose her most precious possession? Or how about we go even further back. What would you do to some kid who talks your daughter into his parent's garage and molests her?" I looked at that boy laying there and thought for a moment. "You, Joe Morelli are a worthless scum sucking piece of shit. I'm gonna make sure that the whole world knows it." I look at my watch. "Time sure flys when you are having no fun at all. I'm going to head down stairs. If Lester has to come up and get me…I won't be able to ruin your name…one really shouldn't talk ill of the dead."

He started to say something else and once again I didn't let him get a word in. "You don't get to speak. You know Joe, Bella may be all hinky with her Italian hoo-doo. But me, I'm Hungarian. I'm gyspy. I want you to think long and hard about the truth. The truth about my baby granddaughter, the truth about yourself. The truth about her Ranger and friends. Joe Morelli, until you grow up and realize how truly pathetic you really are you can speak only the truth!" I wiggled my fingers at him and drew three circles in the air. I don't know what that actually did but I saw MY grandmother do it to a woman once and she died soon after. Maybe it will kill the schmuck. I left the room with my head held high.

**Morelli PoV**

Mr. Plum was right she is a crazy old bat. Who does she think she is? Coming into my hospital room and threaten me. That broad need help. Maybe her family should look into having her committed. I'll have to convince Cupcake to put her in a home, I'm sure Mr. Plum will agree with me. Ohh the blonde nurse is coming back in the room.

"Mr. Morelli, how are you feeling this morning?" she said seductively. Oh yeah maybe I can work this to my advantage.

"I'm doing very well. Sometimes I get concerned that my obsession with anal sex means that I am gay, though." ^^WHAT THE FUCK!^^


	13. Chapter 13

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN:** I have made an Executive Decision. No longer will I force you to read long sections of poorly translated Spanish…from now on if it is spoken by Hector, it will be italicized, and you can automatically assume that it is in Spanish. Google Translate will greatly thank me for this decision, since now they can go back to helping high schoolers pass their foreign language classes (Why was there no Google Translate when I was in High School). Anyway thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, Avid Reader 59, Angela Mueller, at8c, RangerKate, Sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.

The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you. Thank you to all of you who got **When it Rains** above the 350 review mark. I'm so proud I could tear up.

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><p><strong>Chapter 13<strong>

Stephanie PoV

It took me less than a day to hear all about my grandmother's visit to Joe in St Francis. According to NiNi Cibrani, who works as a nurse on Joe's floor, Grandma Mazur had left looking a little angry and a lot mischievous, and ever since Joe is telling the truth. Not even little truths but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Something told me that this was the perfect time to have a conversation…pleasant or otherwise with my old buddy Joe…the former Detective Morelli. Of course first I had to have a conversation with Ranger and the Merry Men.

"No." Tank said calmly.

"Gee Tank, really? And to think you look nothing at all like my father." I muttered.

"I'm not trying to be your Daddy, Little Girl. But come on he just got his ass beat for trying to grab you. Now you want to go and talk to him?" Tank said confusedly. "What, you think he got hit hard enough to rewrite his whole personality?"

"No. I know he didn't but there are things I need him to hear, things I need to ask him. He's in a hospital bed with enough painkillers in him to act as a truth serum. Now is the best time for me to get the answers I need. Not to move on, I've done that…but just to rebuild what he took from me." I said beseechingly. I needed them to understand this is something I needed to do for me.

Ranger looked around the room. "This is the first time something like this has come up since we got together; Babe, but it probably won't be the last. So we might as well take a moment and work out the protocol for dealing with making sure you are safe without you rebelling to save your independence."

"How do we do that?" I asked with a huff.

Ranger laughed. "Hell if I know."

"Well we start by Bomber agreeing to wear a tracker, and a wire." Bobby said staunchly. He was quieter than the others, but no less protective.

"Ok, I get the tracker…but a wire?" I asked with a giggle. Really a wire, come on.

"If he really is telling the truth, I think we all want to hear his reasons for some of the shit he's pulled in the past." Lester said honestly. "You know, Edna says she put a Romany curse on him. That's why he has to tell the truth."

"You just want ammunition to humiliate him later." I theorized.

"Hell yeah." Lester said unabashedly. "I couldn't tell you this while you were dating him, cause as stubborn as you are, you'd have decided that you wanted him even more…But Morelli is the world's biggest prick. I would gladly torture him for hours before dismembering his body, keeping him alive for as much of it as I could and then hiding the pieces in various landfills throughout the tri-state area." Lester's voice was colder than I had ever heard it before.

"You really don't like Morelli, do you?" I said hoping to lighten the mood. The room had gotten a little dark.

"None of us do, Babe." Ranger said calmly. "If he'd pulled with one of our sisters or any woman we knew, all that he has pulled with you as a child…he'd never have reached adulthood. And having met your father, I'm rather surprised that he did."

"My mother made sure that he didn't know about the garage. I like to think it was because she thought he would overturn her punishment…and as for the Tasty Pastry Incident…Morelli was off to the Navy the very next morning." I told them honestly. Every face in the room was slammed directly into 'blank' mode. "What? What's wrong?"

"Babe." Ranger said simply.

"Ranger." I shot back. "Really I don't know what that 'Babe' meant."

"It means 'please don't mention your mother around any of us, since we cannot speak ill of the woman', since she is your mother." Lester explained.

"Okay." I said drawing the word out to illustrate my confusion. "But everyone loves my mother." I blurted completely confused.

"No…the only people who like your mother are her fellow 'Burg Bitches. No one who cares about you can stand her. Not Connie or Lula." Tank explains.

"Not Mary Lou, Lenny, Eddie, or Carl and Big Dog." Bobby says quietly. "Not the lady who owns the Tasty Pastry either."

I gulped. I never knew. I thought my mother was considered to be the upper echelon of 'Burg matrons. I thought everyone loved her and that they all commiserated with her about her younger daughter who couldn't seem to not roll in garbage on a semi-regular basis. Looking around the table I finally realized that the only people who felt that way were the ones who didn't really know me in the first place. It is time for me to grow up in that one aspect of my life. It's time to stop caring about the opinions of those who don't matter. Well accept one, and I don't want his opinion…I want the truth. "Thank you guys. I mean, with all the putting down and denigration and just humiliation my mother and Joe put me through, you guys were always there supporting me and helping me. Not just physically, but giving me something to smile about when things got crazy, or someone to lean on a little bit when their words were weighing me down and I was almost ready to cave under the pressure."

They all gave me sweet smiles but only Tank spoke. "You do the same for us, Little Girl. You know better than anyone how dark out world can be. Most of us have had to do things that would make 'normal' people hide under their beds and never come out. But here we are. And there you are, doing this job right alongside us, usually with a smile on your face and a non-irritating joke to brighten our day. No matter how bad your situation is, no matter how crazy the stalker or how much Morelli yells, you always have a smile for us. You treat us like your brothers, you ask about us and visit us when we're injured, you care about us, and try to lighten our moods when we start to sink into the darkness."

"Tank's right, Beautiful. Most other women would have thrown in the towel and allowed their mother and Morelli to chain them to a stove popping out munchkins every other year after all the shit this town has thrown at you. But you come out seeming untouchable. Hell most of us had to have counseling after Sweet saved your tight little ass from the Slayers." Lester teased.

"Santos…"Ranger growled.

"I know I know mats at 'fore day in the morning…sir yes sir." Lester snapped off a jaunty salute. At Ranger's glare, he toned his happiness down a little. "Sorry, it's just you and Beautiful are finally together, Abuela Edna put the vudú on the ass Morelli…and Beautiful is gonna help us get some really embarrassing shit about him on tape. Right this moment my vidá is too good to be solemn and taciturn." He laughed. Most of the guys seemed to agree with him; even Ranger cracked a little smile.

"Lester, I love you…but you do realize that you're a few Tastycakes short of a case…right?" I finally said. "Alright. Let's get me wired and trackered up. I want to get this done so I can pick up a few skips this afternoon. I've got to pay Grandma's rent for the month."

"Bomber, would you like some help with that. I mean…I could handle the rent for Edna every other month, and get her groceries sometime…But if she wants to go to the mall or Pleasure Treasures then she's all yours." Bobby suggested.

"We could all go in. Edna's important to all three of us." Tank said quietly. At the unasked questions in Ranger and my eyes, he confessed. "Sometimes when she needs a ride and Frank is busy, she'll call one of us. When it's just us, and we're doing her a favor she keeps her hands to herself. She still over shares…but my ass doesn't hurt after I drive her somewhere."

"Probably because she can't get to it while you're driving." I thought aloud. Of course they all found this funny as hell. With a wry smile I stood. "If you guys want to help me take care of Grandma, then so be it. If it was for me, I'd probably say no…but for her…"

"That's settled. Between the five of us Edna should be able to keep her social security for her to have fun with." Ranger said with a definitive nod. He wouldn't let me argue. I could tell by the slight tightening of his jaw. Hey, maybe my Ranger ESP is finally kicking in. I decided, for once in my life I actually kept my mouth shut. It took us less than ten minutes to get me wired and to decide on the right trackers to use. I had gotten dressed this morning knowing exactly what I wanted to do today. I wanted to get some hard truths from Joe Morelli and I was going to drive a few home as well.

I wore a pair of low rise, slim fit, flared jeans. That I paired with a light blue spaghetti strap tank top with RangeMan embroidered in black across the front. Technically this was supposed to be worn under my Rangeman uniform or Kevlar, but I wanted to make a statement and this one did it better than one of the black shirts would have. It illustrated, without me saying a word, that Ranger let me be me, even as he helped to support me. Given that I was wearing far more clothing than I usually wore when I had to be miced, Ranger had no trouble hiding the wire this time. I loaded myself into my 'borrowed' blue black Escape, and motored off to St. Francis.

I had no problem finding Joe's room; at least three nurses told me where it was without me even having to ask. I stepped into the room to find Joe reclining on the raised bed with his arm over his eyes. "I don't need anything, but to be left alone." He grumbled.

"Wow Joe…you not wanting attention from the nurses, it must be one of the signs that the end is near." I said with a little laugh.

"Cupcake, I'm surprised that Ranger let you out alone." He said giving me what I'm sure he thought was a sexy smile. His grin slid off when his eyes hit the logo on my tank top. "Oh I guess he tagged you and released you back into the wild." He said snidely.

"Actually he trusts me to make my own decisions." I said calmly. "I chose to wear this shirt. I'm a grown woman…I pick out my own clothes. Ranger sees that and knows that I am capable of taking care of myself. I have to wonder, exactly what do you see me as?"

Joe stuggled against answering, but eventually spat out. "You're a piece of snatch that I want to marry. So I can finally prove to the 'burg that I'm worthy of respect."

Huh…not sure what I was expecting…but that wasn't it. "So you want the respect of the 'burg…then why me?"

"Your family is well respected in the 'burg. When we were growing up, everybody talked about your parents like they were the king and queen of the neighborhood and until my dad died, we were just the scandalous peasants. If I married you, then that made me better than just another Morelli."

"Fine…but still why me. Valerie is the perfect and respectable one." I asked confused.

"Yeah, but you have to claim a bitch young and make them yours. Valerie was too careful. She'd never have paid me any attention, let alone come into the garage and play choo-choo with me. Then you were mine. For a while I thought I had lost my chance, but then you got divorced. I still wasn't ready to settle down, but after you brought me in, I figured I better grab you and marry you while I could. I could always have fun behind your back…it's not like you could have caught me." he laughed at my perceived stupidity. "With you spitting in the face of the 'burg's traditions, I knew taming you and bringing you back into the 'burg as a good and proper housewife would get me more respect than anything else. I'd be the new king of the neighborhood."

"I'm surprised you didn't go after Valerie after she got divorced. She'd have still given you the respect you wanted. She's 'burg and she's got all that housewife crap down."

He shook his head sadly. "She'd have been better for my stomach. But by the time she came back, I couldn't move over to her without seeming like a dirt bag. Besides it was the principle of the thing. I couldn't let anyone else have you…especially that fucking thug Manoso…you're mine."

"No…I'm not. What do you have against Ranger anyway? He's a good man, a great bounty hunter. You do nothing but say horrible things about him."

"Have you seen the smug mutherfucker. He's rich, he's dangerous, and he hot as hell. He keeps getting more and more respect in this stupid town, the chief actually wished he was a cop, said he'd have made detective in no time. Took me forever to get my shield, but Manoso would have made it in no time." Joe snarled.

"So what,..you hate Ranger because you want to be him? Or because you want him?" I asked as I thought of the first things he'd listed. "You have an almost unnatural fascination with anal sex…and you did call him hot as hell."

"I…I…I'm not gay. Not really. I like ass, doesn't much matter whose. I've never fucked a guy…but there were a few drag queens when I worked vice. But really Cupcake, you just have a great ass." Joe admitted.

"Thank you Joe…but while you spoke, you didn't answer my question. Do you want Ranger? What about the others? You're always putting down Ranger's men as well. You want them too don't you?" I pressed.

"N…" he struggled trying to deny it. "Maybe. But it doesn't matter because I'm gonna marry you. I told you, you are mine."

"Bullshit. I'm mine…Maybe Ranger's if he wants the title full time." I yelled completely forgetting about the damn wire and the fact that Ranger was probably listening in right this very second. "You were just my own damn rebellious nature coming back to bite me on the ass. You wanted to tame me…well I wanted to tame you too. I wanted to prove that even if Joyce Barnhardt had wrecked my marriage, I'd managed to make the 'burg bad boy be as faithful as a pet." I thought about what else I wanted to know. "Why do you persist in calling me, Cupcake?"

"Want to make sure you remember your place. You belong on your back under me, whenever and wherever I want you. It reminds you that even if you don't really want it, you're to give me what I want. Not to mention it keeps that night alive in the mind of every guy in the 'burg." He said with a smirk.

"You are a pathetic soul, Joe Morelli." I said angrily.

"I am. It's ridiculous how much thought I've put into turning you into something you don't want to be and someone I'd treat even worse than I already treat you." Joe said the honesty curse forcing truths from his lips. "You're just a chick though. So all you're good for is taking care of my dick. You used to be decent enough to be able to give me kids, but now you're not worthy of marriage. You're still mine though…so I'll keep you as my chick on the side. I'm sure my grandmother can find me some good 'burg girl to marry and have my children. Probably one that can cook."

I laughed in his face. "Joe, you're not a cop anymore…you're just another unemployed ex-con of a Morelli. What makes you think any 'good 'burg girl' will even date you, let alone marry you? And you're delusional if you think that I would be your chick on the side."

He ignored my comment on his mental state. "I'm Joe Morelli, the sexiest man in the 'burg. Women want me."

I scoffed. "Please the only women who will want you now are too young or dumb to know better."

"All women want me." he said again. I'm guessing this is a case of he thinks it's the truth, rather than it being an actual truth. But just in case…

"You do realize that while they may want to sleep with you, there is a big difference between lust and love…right?" I asked slowly as though speaking to a developmentally challenged person.

"Not really. Love is just what chicks need to call it so they can feel superior." Joe said caustically.

"Yeah, Joe, keep believing that." I laughed at his stupidity…and my own. "I cannot believe that I almost let you and my mother keep me from real happiness, real love."

Now Morelli scoffed. "Oh please. Ranger was only biding his time. The first chance he got to get rid of me permanently and it not get traced back to him…I'd have been a dead man." Morelli said honestly. "And even if I managed to get you to quit bounty hunting and marry me, the first time you showed up bruised or something…no one would have ever found my body."

"Yeah, cause Ranger would have helped me and Daddy hide it." I said coldly. "You don't know me at all if you think I would ever, ever allow you to raise a hand to me in anger."

The jerk smirked…he actually smirked. "You might have left, but you'd have come back. Your mother would have made sure of it."

I shook my head. "You idiot. My father would have sent her to live with you before he let her send me back into an abusive marriage. You are even dumber than you look." I just looked at him and saw him for the sick, sad individual he was. "You know what Joe, I came here today wanting to finish with you…put you completely in my past. But you were already there. I should have done as Ranger suggested three years ago. Just done my job and put you back into the system and out of my mind. I'm with the man I love now. The man I'm in love with…and you, you're just wasted years." I stood and turned to leave the hospital room. I didn't bother to look back…he wasn't worth a last glance.

Outside the hospital I walked into the arms of my future and heard the four most important words of my life. "Proud of you, Babe."

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><p>Thanks for being patient and sticking with me. Updates will still be slow for a while, but hopefully you're still interested.<p>

Have a great day.

Illy


	14. Chapter 14

**Unexpected Sanity**

Illiandyanndra

Illiandyanndra 

**Stephanie Plum **

**Pairings:** Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula

**Rating:** Eventually NC-17

**Spoilers:** Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.

**^^Thoughts^^**

**^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^**

"**Speech" **

"_Spanish Speech_"

**AN: **Thanks so much to all the Reviewers, esp. Margaret Fowler, FairTaxGirl, Avid Reader 59, Angela Mueller, at8c, RangerKate, Sam's-lurker-droid, and Barb4psu for your continued reviews and great ideas.

I apologize for the long wait, I'm trying to get back to heavy duty ficcing…I'm really trying.

**Chapter 14**

_Ranger PoV_

I only allowed Lester and Hector in the listening van as we monitored Babe's conversation with Joe Morelli. I trust my men, especially Tank with any of my Babe's secrets which might be revealed in that room, and I knew that she did as well. However, it is mu place as their commanding officer to make sure that my men are protected, even sometimes from themselves. It doesn't take me long to be certain that I had made the right decision. I am protective of Stephanie Plum in the way a wolf protects its mate…my men protect Stephanie as a litter mate or a papa bear protects its cub. Tank would have stormed that hospital room after the first answer, Bobby and Cal may have made it to the third and none of my men would have lasted much past that. Lester and Hector, I can count on to listen quietly. Granted I am a bit concerned as to what either of them may decide to do after all of this is over, but they were currently quietly seething as we listened in. I knew that neither of them would ever allow Morelli's body to be found if they decided to end his wretched life.

When Stephanie walked out of the hospital, I was waiting for her. Despite her strong words and the fact that she was done with Morelli, she must have been hurt to find that someone she thought cared about her had lied to her for years. After sharing the moment of pride with her, I retrieved her wire, leaving her with the extra tracker and walked her to the Rangeman vehicle I had managed to convince her to borrow. "You dressed?"

She glanced down at her body. Despite my rigid control, my own eyes couldn't help but follow. Down over the gentle swell of her breasts, the flat plane of her belly, the flare of her hips and the denim encased length of her long legs. "Yup…been dressing myself since I was three. You can tell I'm good at it because I've never been arrested for indecent exposure."

"Unlike your grandmother, and cousin." I said and allowed myself a small grin.

"Enh family, what you gonna do?" she shrugged playfully. "I'm not carrying, no. They tend to frown on carrying in hospitals now in days."

"Babe." I raised an eyebrow. I spend considerable amounts of time in hospitals, and I've never had any problems carrying.

"I'm not super, black clad, uber-military, I can kill you in twenty three ways with a common paper clip guy…me they'd hassle." I let it go at that; however, she needed to remember her weapon. Before I could turn to signal Hector or Lester for the extra 38 most of us keep in our service vehicles, she smiled. "Besides, there's one of 'my special' glocks in every one of the fleet…and an extra clip just in case I actually take mine out of the cookie jar with only one bullet."

I gave her a wry look. "Gotta make sure you have what you need." I said simply.

She smiled so bright and beautifully, I almost forgot for a moment the emotional hell she'd just walked away from. "You always do, Batman…you're better than a utility belt."

I gave her a kiss to silence the superhero metaphors that often drip from her sexy lips. I helped her into her car, and whispered our own personal I love yous. "Don't go crazy."

"Don't get shot." She returned in the same tone.

I stood for a minute watching her pull out and leave the parking lot. With a gesture to Tank where he stood just outside my Babe's sight, I turned and headed into the hospital. My brother on my six as always.

_Morelli PoV_

'Why the hell am I saying all this shit?' I asked myself for the millionth time since Edna Mazur had 'cursed' me. I can't even credit that shit…curses. Those things aren't real. And if they are I'm sure that my Grandma Bella must have put some kind of protection on me. No way in hell has that crazy old Hungarian bitch got any kind of curse that is stronger than Bella Morelli's. Though, Grandma is still berating me for the incident that got me chucked off the force. Can't believe she sided with Gazarra…ranted and raved the whole time I was there. And to think I'd gone over there just to let her know that the case was done with and I was out without her having to risk her house.

I was thinking through all the things I'd said to Cupcake. What does it matter if I don't love her? Love is bullshit. She's mine because I said so. She should be happy and honored that I want her. Goodness knows her tits aren't big enough for most of the guys in the 'Burg. Then there is the fact that everyone knows she's a complete menace in the kitchen. Oh…but the ass on her makes up for it. First thing I'm gonna do when I get her back under me where she belongs is fuck the dog shit out of her sexy little ass.

I'd drifted into thoughts of all the different ways I'd eventually bend Stephanie Plum to my will when the bane of my very existence walked into the room. "Oh great…she sent you in to kill me?" I blurted out.

Ranger Manoso looked at me like I was something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe. "Morelli, if I wanted you dead…actually you know what I do want you dead. I want you dead and buried in an unmarked grave where only your genital lice can mourn you." He said and gave me a look that chilled my soul. "Luckily for you, Babe thinks you should live." I knew Cupcake loved me. I guess he saw me brighten. Because his next words definitely shot my thought to hell. "Yeah, she says that she can't do that to your Grandmother. Apparently your grandmother had a nice talk with My Babe not long ago. Bella Morelli must have all the brains in your family. She knew that you and Stephanie were toxic for each other. She knew that someone needed to explain to my Babe what love really is, before Babe finally let you and her mother browbeat her into something that would have inevitably led to your death."

"If you won't kill me now, why should I believe that you would widow Cupcake?" I asked with a smirk. Idiot, he probably didn't realize the problem with his logic.

He answered with a nasty smirk of his own. "I have killed to protect her once. I took no pleasure in it…only a grim satisfaction. You, I would enjoy. You, who would try to dim everything bright and wonderful about her just to make yourself shine brighter. You, who would belittle and deride her all while claiming to love her. You, who would use her body just to hide your real proclivities…you I would kill in ways I'm sure would surprise even the most hardened and sick of serial killers."

Something about the way he said it, his voice calm and deeply dangerous, told me that he meant every single word he said. "She should be like the other girls in the 'Burg." I defended staunchly. "If she weren't so fucking different, I wouldn't need to make her act like them."

"And if you really loved her you wouldn't want her to be anything other than what she is. Since you have to tell the truth, I have a few questions of my own for you Morelli. Do you want any of the other girls from the 'Burg?"

"No, bunch of boring bitches." I heard myself say, and I almost passed out from shock. I was even more surprised that I kept talking. "All they do is gossip and bitch and complain and pop out kids. God would it kill them to do something real with their fucking lives?"

If I thought Ranger's earlier smirk was nasty, it had nothing on this one. "So you want to force my Babe to become a 'Burg girl, so that you can find her boring enough to become just like all the other Morelli men. You have to be the world's dumbest cunt."

"I don't want her for that. I want her to prove to all those old 'Burg bitches that this Morelli is just as good as their sons and husbands. That I'm somebody." I shouted.

He laughed, a cruel taunting sound. "You aren't somebody, Morelli. You are a nobody. You were a good cop. You could have really been somebody…but you pissed all that away and for what? To try to prove something to a neighborhood that saw you and your mother and your sibling suffering and did nothing but talk about you and belittle you. How fucked up is that?"

"Very." I admitted for the first time even to myself that everything I did was motivated by an unrelenting desire to prove my worth to a bunch of people who didn't really give a damn about me beyond my entertainment value. "You know what's even more fucked up. I was out. I could have left this fucking town behind, instead I fucked it up."

"I heard. You have a real thing for underaged girls Morelli." Ranger's voice was calm once more.

"Flat chests and great asses." I murmured and hoped that he wouldn't hear me.

"Hell man, come the fuck out of the closet and stop sabotaging your life." He growled.

I shook my head. "Why are you even here?"

His eyes narrowed and for a moment I feared for my life. "I'm here because whether she knows it or not, I owe your grandmother a debt. I do not like owing debts, especially to people I'm not sure if I can trust. Therefore I'm going to pull your head out of your ass before you do something that _makes_ me have to kill you. Now Joe, have you been faithful to My Babe while you were in a relationship with her?"

Damnit why did he have to ask that. I'd been so grateful that Cupcake hadn't asked me that since I don't seem capable of lying or even just not answering. "Hell no. There are plenty of 'Burg bitches unsatisfied with their 'perfect' lives. Not to mention that Terry will let me bust off in her ass whenever I want to." I said with brutal honesty. Then I just kept digging my grave. "There were a couple of barely legals I'd pick up in clubs when I was on assignments out of town. Basically if a snatch will spread her legs, I'm good to be between them." He gave me a look of disgust that made me defensive. "Oh like I'm supposed to believe that you haven't fucked anyone else since you met Cupcake?"

"Whether I have or haven't is none of your concern. See, there is a rather large difference that you are refusing to acknowledge…I wasn't in a relationship with my Babe. Not a romantic one, until very recently. Therefore if I did or did not sleep with someone, it was not betraying her trust. It was not possibly harmful to her. Did you at least use a condom with your whores?"

"Not all of them were whores," I laughed. "I have a real knack for culling out virgins. You know the ones who think their ass is too big and their chests too flat so they end up not seeing the guys around them who would give them the world. A few of the right words and I have another cherry for my collection. And if the words don't work…there are ways around that. Get them drunk and high enough and I can have all their virginities."

"You are truly a sick fuck Morelli." He growled. "Did you protect my Babe when you were making a whore of yourself?"

"Sometimes. If a chick looked clean and smelled good…there were a few times I didn't have anything, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna stop." I admitted. "That shit always costs me in the end. I've had to pay for six abortions, and that's just in the last couple of years."

"You're catholic Morelli." Ranger voice and face were a blank slate.

"Yeah, I'm not the one having the abortion." I defended. "The chicks did that. Besides, I saw what Cupcake did to Orr…no way in hell was I gonna have some stupid bitch who was too dumb to take care of herself ruin my chances to be somebody important."

"You are going to bust hell wide open in gasoline drawers." He taunted. He has always taunted me. "What is it you feel about me, Morelli?"

"I don't know if I want to be you, or if I want to fuck you." I gritted out. "You're too fucking handsome, you're almost pretty…you and that Santos guy. But at least he keeps his hair short. You come sauntering into my town, a fucking thug, but everybody respects you. What the fuck have you ever done to deserve that shit?"

"I earned it. I didn't just whine and bitch and moan about my life…I did something with it. I served my country with distinction. I don't go around raping young women. I don't go around throwing my weight around with nothing to back it up. I don't belittle others to make myself feel important. I certainly don't go around spreading my seed to the four winds and then forcing the female to bear all the responsibility for my bad choices. I have never tried to force anyone to be something they aren't just to cater to my own delusion of adequacy. How much of Helen Plum's problems with Stephanie have you created?" he growled menacingly.

"None. That bitch is her own brand of crazy. If your daughter came home and said the neighborhood mini-hoodlum had touched her, who would you punish? I have some issues, but I'd kill any kid who touched my six year old like I touched Cupcake…even if they were the exact same age." I admitted.

He nodded. "I'm going to say two last things, and then I will consider my debt to your grandmother fulfilled. One, love is not changing everything about a person to make them some warped vision of what you think you want, love is full embracing who that person is. Two, if you bother my Babe again your life will be measurable in hours. Were I you, I would move away; far, far away." With that he left the room as silently as he entered.

His big shadow entered as soon as he left. He was grinning in a way that made me shiver. "I don't know exactly what went on in this room earlier and I don't particularly give a flying fuck. What I do know is that if you do anything to even remotely cause pain to Stephanie Michelle Plum ever again in your miserable excuse for a life…you'd better hope and pray that I get to you before he does. Oh, and you have five days to confess to the rape of that underaged girl that got Glianiakis dishonorably discharged, or else…well I don't have to spell it out for you. You might be a sick, deluded son of a bitch…but you aren't entirely stupid."

I finally found myself alone it my hospital room with a lot to think about.

_Frank's PoV_

It didn't take long for the 'Burg to spread the word about my 'wife's' interactions with our daughters. I started to confront her. I have never believed in fighting in front of the children. Over the years, I've had several verbal altercations with Helen over how she treats our girls, the things she advises them to do. It has always been late at night behind closed doors. Perhaps I should have been more verbal in the moment, but I was raised that one didn't let children see parental discord. I was also raised to believe that 'til death do us part' was a literal promise. But at this point I had to end my marriage before I ended Helen's life myself.

That's why I was seated across from my son-in-law in his small law office down from a Laundromat. "I want you to start divorce proceedings. I am ending my marriage."

Klougn's throat worked furiously. Finally he quietly asked, "Are you sure Mr. Plum? You have been married for almost forty years."

"I'm sure that at this point if I don't divorce her, I will kill her. I can no longer sit back as she torments my daughters. I spent far too long letting her berate one and convince the other to turn off her damn fine brain. I'll be damn if I will sit back and watch her try to do it to the girls too." I told him my feeling of rage and anger hidden behind a mask I'd perfected years before he was born. "The first offer is fifty percent of my pension; I keep the house and pay seventy-five percent of her rent and utilities in an apartment building of my choosing. Edna has the choice of staying in the house with me or going with Helen. Though I believe she will soon have other arrangements. Helen is welcome to spend holidays with the family and, of course, the girls are free to invite her to their homes as they desire. Every time she argues for the house, decrease the amount of my assistance with her bills by ten percent."

Albert took comprehensive notes. He and I hammered out a few other details, and then I started the conversation I was sure would lead to the biggest fight of the day. "I've looked it up, I'm gonna pay you the going rate…two fifty an hour." I said firmly.

He puffed up, as I knew he would. "No sir, you will not. You are family. I will let you pay the filing fees and court costs, but I will not take a dime from my wife's father for helping him become happy."

We argued for over an hour. Damn it was fun. Strange to see the boy have a backbone…but he had one that day. Eventually I was able to get him to take seventy five bucks an hour. I thought I had a victory under my belt, until a few weeks later when Val thanked me for setting us trust funds for the girls. Who knew the Pillsbury dough son-in-law was so wily?

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><p>Thank you to all of you who are sticking with me. I am writing, I'm even typing...it is just very hard to find the time to get things completed right now.<p>

Please continue to read and review.

Have a great day,

Illiandyandra


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